I am so over this school work.
Yeah, and the school work is over you too! As in, your stack of books TOWERS over you! Yuk yuk!
Self: that was the lamest joke in all the world.
Yes. Ooo: enjoy phrases like, "in all the world."
Also like "unflappable." "Irregardless."
Why does spellcheck say that irregardless is not a word?
Oh. Because it is not.
Remember when you used that in class and your sophomore student interrupted you and corrected you?
OMG. That was totally embarrassing. (Sob.)
But also kind of funny.
My legs are stiff. I am stiff all the time these days. Remember ballet? I could do the splits three ways. Not flexible anymore.
Maybe you are. You should check.
(Self commences in attempt at the splits on the floor.)
DAAAANG! That was real close!
Yes, but I can't even touch my toes. The hamstrings hate me.
It's funny to say "hate" with an accent. Like "hata." "I HATA YOUUUU!"
(Roll eyes at Self.)
People never think my jokes are funny. Like the whale joke. I'm the only one who ever laughs. That joke is HILARIOUS!
I can't believe how hungry I was earlier. I was so hungry!!! I was RAVENOUS.
Like the word RAVENOUS.
Now I'm better.
People are going to think this is such a weird blog.
I HAVE interesting stories. But my bloggy hinges got rusty.
(Pauses to take moment of pleasure in silly phrase.)
And so now there is this crazygalweirdo blog.
Talking to yourself.
People will not hire you to teach if they read this blog.
(Sob.)
Showing posts with label odd: odd all around. Show all posts
Showing posts with label odd: odd all around. Show all posts
Jul 8, 2009
Oct 28, 2008
Obscure Metaphor Proverbs
If you have large monsters in your closet, you should call them out, have a conversation with them, and talk them down to size. Also, you should remember that you're in charge.
If a kid has a broken leg, you don't send him in to play a soccer game. You give him a cast, and let him rest a while, and wait for the bones to knit themselves back together. Making him play too early could ruin that leg for good.
If you're in a room that's filling with smoke, you should leave the room and take a big breath in. Then, if you really need to, you can go back in and deal with the fire.
Sometimes it's good to reckon with the storm. Other times it's good to be safe.
Cooking pumpkin seeds at too high a temperature burns them all. Better to cook them slowly and be quite satisfied, than hurry and ruin the whole batch.
Sometimes, if we are really serious about getting back home, we have to take a trip to Oz first. Sometimes going home means having to face witches, and flying monkeys, and talking things through with the Scarecrow, Tinman, and Cowardly Lion. In other words: sometimes going forward, means going back. And sometimes, getting back means going through-- for a looong ways.
Apologies for the riddling. It's easier to put things abstractly today.
If a kid has a broken leg, you don't send him in to play a soccer game. You give him a cast, and let him rest a while, and wait for the bones to knit themselves back together. Making him play too early could ruin that leg for good.
If you're in a room that's filling with smoke, you should leave the room and take a big breath in. Then, if you really need to, you can go back in and deal with the fire.
Sometimes it's good to reckon with the storm. Other times it's good to be safe.
Cooking pumpkin seeds at too high a temperature burns them all. Better to cook them slowly and be quite satisfied, than hurry and ruin the whole batch.
Sometimes, if we are really serious about getting back home, we have to take a trip to Oz first. Sometimes going home means having to face witches, and flying monkeys, and talking things through with the Scarecrow, Tinman, and Cowardly Lion. In other words: sometimes going forward, means going back. And sometimes, getting back means going through-- for a looong ways.
Apologies for the riddling. It's easier to put things abstractly today.
Aug 22, 2008
My favorite joke:
What's green and grows in the ground and has wheels?
....?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.
....?
Grass.
I lied about the wheels.
Aug 13, 2008
Imaginary Conversation Amongst Spiders that were in My Close Proximity
In the imagined conversation, the spiders have walkie-talkies.
Kkkksschhhk. Come in Eight Pretty Eyes, this is Big Boy. Over.
Kkkksschhhk. Eight Pretty Eyes coming in. What's the situation Big Boy? Over.
Kkkksscchhhk. Suspect is still in the shower, but the water has stopped. I expect her to emerge at any moment now. Over.
Kkksschk. What is your position Big Boy?
Kkkksscchk. I am positioned prominently on the white wall, legs spread wide to maximize my breadth.
Kkksschkk. Which is enooormous, Big Boy...
Kkkssschk. Don't talk dirty to me now, Pretty Eyes, I've got a job to do. Over.
Kkssccchk. Sorry babe. Over.
Kkkksscchk. It's okay. I AM enormous.
Kkksscchkk. (murmured giggling.) Over.
Kkkssccckk. Ooohhhh, Eight Pretty Eyes, what I wouldn't give to be over that closet doorjamb with you right now... Over.
Kkkksscchkk. I wish you were here too Big Boy. But Queen Hairy Legs was clear on this one. We have to test the human's tolerance of our kind. And we have to evaluate her level of timidity. Over.
Kkkssscchk. Which is why I so bravely volunteered my massive self for intimidation purposes. Over.
Kkksssscckk. You ARE brave, Big Boy. And sooo massive.... But be careful. Over.
Kkkssccchkk. Please. It's a small white female. I expect her to be clutching at the shower curtain and screaming for the old man to help her within seconds of seeing me. I'll be on the ceiling by then. Over.
Kkkscchhk. All the same. I need you babe, I have egg sacs in mind. Bulging egg sacs with future baby Big Boys that will be MASSIVE, and ENORMOUS, and BRAV--
Kkksccchhkk. ALERT, Suspect has emerged! She's toweling off! She has not yet seen me! Over!
Kkkssckkh. What is your position?! Over!
Kkssccckkh. On the wall, on the white wall. I AM HUGE!! FEEEARRR ME! She's seen me, the human has seen me!
Ksscccskh. Did she scream?? Is she clutching the shower curtain??
Kksccskkh. Um-- no. She said, "AAAaagh, frick," but didn't scream. She's-- what is she doing??
Kkksccssk. What is she doing, Big Boy???
Kkksscchkk. She got the toilet paper-- She's-- she's coming this way with the toilet paper!!
Kssskkcchk. RUN, Big Boy, RUN!
Kkskscchkk. WhatisshewhatisshedoingAAAHHHhhh--???!!!! (crunch.)
Kkskkcchk. Big Boy? BIG BOY, COME IN!! COME IN, BIG BOY!!
(Static)
Kkkscckhhkk. BIG BOY??! BIG BOY!!! COME IN BIG BOY!
(Sound of flushing)
Kkkssccchkk. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Eight Pretty Eyes to Big Boy, DO YOU COPY??? (sobs.)
.........
Kkksscchhk. (sniffs.) Queen... Queen Hairy Legs. This is Eight Pretty Eyes. Over.
Kkskscckhk. This is the Queen, what is the status of the mission? Over.
Kkksscchkk. I think... I think Big Boy has been killed by the Suspect. (sobs.) Over.
Kkkssccchk. So the Suspect has a higher intimidation level than we thought she did. Damn. Well, RIP Big Boy, he was a good solider. Are you prepared for your part of the mission?
Kksksccchk. (sobs.)
Kkkscchkk. Eight Pretty Eyes, do you copy?? Over.
Kksccshhk. Yes Queen, I copy. I just...
Kkkscchk. Keep it together Eight. The Suspect is more dangerous than anticipated, and you're needed for your part of the mission. Are you capable of evaluating her killing-effort level? Over.
Kkskcchkk. Yes... yes I think so. I just... hover out of her reach, and see if she gets a chair to close the gap to... To... Kill me! (sobs.)
Kkssccchkk. Excellent. And if she comes close, you have clearance to run, do you copy?
Kkscccshkk. (sobs.)
Kssccscshkk. EIGHT EYES, do you copy?
Ksccshkk. Yes. I copy. But I don't know if I even want to run... I just... Want to be with Big Boy...
Kksccshkk. Keep it together solider. You can't die until you've laid your eggs. Procreation is our first objective. Remember that. Over.
Kksccshkk. Yes your highness... HERE SHE COMES! THE KILLER!
Kkscccshk. What is your position? Over.
Kkksccshkk. High over the door jamb. She's seen me!!! She's not going for the chair though... She's just looking at me with a disgusted expression...
AAgggh, frick. Gramps! There's ANOTHER one...!
That is the end of the Imaginary Walkie-Talkie'd Conversation Between Spiders. I didn't kill Eight Eyes. But I think she must be grief stricken indeed because she is still above the door jamb, after eight or more hours post flushing. Poor Big Boy.
But that's what you get for being an over-cocky sunuva...spider.
Kkkksschhhk. Come in Eight Pretty Eyes, this is Big Boy. Over.
Kkkksschhhk. Eight Pretty Eyes coming in. What's the situation Big Boy? Over.
Kkkksscchhhk. Suspect is still in the shower, but the water has stopped. I expect her to emerge at any moment now. Over.
Kkksschk. What is your position Big Boy?
Kkkksscchk. I am positioned prominently on the white wall, legs spread wide to maximize my breadth.
Kkksschkk. Which is enooormous, Big Boy...
Kkkssschk. Don't talk dirty to me now, Pretty Eyes, I've got a job to do. Over.
Kkssccchk. Sorry babe. Over.
Kkkksscchk. It's okay. I AM enormous.
Kkksscchkk. (murmured giggling.) Over.
Kkkssccckk. Ooohhhh, Eight Pretty Eyes, what I wouldn't give to be over that closet doorjamb with you right now... Over.
Kkkksscchkk. I wish you were here too Big Boy. But Queen Hairy Legs was clear on this one. We have to test the human's tolerance of our kind. And we have to evaluate her level of timidity. Over.
Kkkssscchk. Which is why I so bravely volunteered my massive self for intimidation purposes. Over.
Kkksssscckk. You ARE brave, Big Boy. And sooo massive.... But be careful. Over.
Kkkssccchkk. Please. It's a small white female. I expect her to be clutching at the shower curtain and screaming for the old man to help her within seconds of seeing me. I'll be on the ceiling by then. Over.
Kkkscchhk. All the same. I need you babe, I have egg sacs in mind. Bulging egg sacs with future baby Big Boys that will be MASSIVE, and ENORMOUS, and BRAV--
Kkksccchhkk. ALERT, Suspect has emerged! She's toweling off! She has not yet seen me! Over!
Kkkssckkh. What is your position?! Over!
Kkssccckkh. On the wall, on the white wall. I AM HUGE!! FEEEARRR ME! She's seen me, the human has seen me!
Ksscccskh. Did she scream?? Is she clutching the shower curtain??
Kksccskkh. Um-- no. She said, "AAAaagh, frick," but didn't scream. She's-- what is she doing??
Kkksccssk. What is she doing, Big Boy???
Kkksscchkk. She got the toilet paper-- She's-- she's coming this way with the toilet paper!!
Kssskkcchk. RUN, Big Boy, RUN!
Kkskscchkk. WhatisshewhatisshedoingAAAHHHhhh--???!!!! (crunch.)
Kkskkcchk. Big Boy? BIG BOY, COME IN!! COME IN, BIG BOY!!
(Static)
Kkkscckhhkk. BIG BOY??! BIG BOY!!! COME IN BIG BOY!
(Sound of flushing)
Kkkssccchkk. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Eight Pretty Eyes to Big Boy, DO YOU COPY??? (sobs.)
.........
Kkksscchhk. (sniffs.) Queen... Queen Hairy Legs. This is Eight Pretty Eyes. Over.
Kkskscckhk. This is the Queen, what is the status of the mission? Over.
Kkksscchkk. I think... I think Big Boy has been killed by the Suspect. (sobs.) Over.
Kkkssccchk. So the Suspect has a higher intimidation level than we thought she did. Damn. Well, RIP Big Boy, he was a good solider. Are you prepared for your part of the mission?
Kksksccchk. (sobs.)
Kkkscchkk. Eight Pretty Eyes, do you copy?? Over.
Kksccshhk. Yes Queen, I copy. I just...
Kkkscchk. Keep it together Eight. The Suspect is more dangerous than anticipated, and you're needed for your part of the mission. Are you capable of evaluating her killing-effort level? Over.
Kkskcchkk. Yes... yes I think so. I just... hover out of her reach, and see if she gets a chair to close the gap to... To... Kill me! (sobs.)
Kkssccchkk. Excellent. And if she comes close, you have clearance to run, do you copy?
Kkscccshkk. (sobs.)
Kssccscshkk. EIGHT EYES, do you copy?
Ksccshkk. Yes. I copy. But I don't know if I even want to run... I just... Want to be with Big Boy...
Kksccshkk. Keep it together solider. You can't die until you've laid your eggs. Procreation is our first objective. Remember that. Over.
Kksccshkk. Yes your highness... HERE SHE COMES! THE KILLER!
Kkscccshk. What is your position? Over.
Kkksccshkk. High over the door jamb. She's seen me!!! She's not going for the chair though... She's just looking at me with a disgusted expression...
AAgggh, frick. Gramps! There's ANOTHER one...!
That is the end of the Imaginary Walkie-Talkie'd Conversation Between Spiders. I didn't kill Eight Eyes. But I think she must be grief stricken indeed because she is still above the door jamb, after eight or more hours post flushing. Poor Big Boy.
But that's what you get for being an over-cocky sunuva...spider.
Apr 18, 2008
An Imaginary Dialogue Among the Colorful Bunch of Balloons Caught in a Tree That I Saw on My Way to Work:
Pink: What just happened?
Purple: I don’t know, can anyone see? Why did we stop floating upwards?
White: AGGGGH!
Blue: I feel a tug at my ribbon. Why is something tuggingatmyribbon?!!
White: AGGGGGH!!!
Yellow: Calm down White! Everyone shut up for a minute! We’re stuck, we somehow got stuck!
White: STUCK IN WHAAAT?!
Yellow: A tree, we got stuck in a tree. Stop YELLING White!
White: (sobs)
Purple: How could that have happened? We freed ourselves from the little girl precisely when we felt the winds and thermals change!
Blue: Purple and I engineered this mission for success, how did we get stuck, HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?
Green: I did it.
All Colors Except Green: WHAT??!
Green: I did it. I got us stuck.
All Colors Except Green: WHY???
Pink: We were flying! We were going to see the world!
Purple: Why would you have committed such sabotage?
Blue: Green, you sonuvacircusclown. Damn you!!! We engineered this mission!!
Green: It was a selfish mission. It would have only led to death.
White: We’re gonna DIIIIEEEEE!
Yellow: We’re all going to die someday White, stop BEING so hysterical!!!
Green: Not our deaths, though life is fleeting, a mere hands’ breadth, aye. I’m talking about the death of the birds. If we had gone on, we would have killed them.
Pink, Purple, and Blue: Birds??
White: BIRDS, THE FLAPPING THINGGSSS, I’M AFRAAAID!!
Green: The fact of the matter is that 87% of all helium balloons released into the air end up choking birds—
White: They EAAAATTT us!!!
Yellow: DAMN IT WHITE.
Green: --When they are attracted to our bright colors, and attempt to consume us. It leads to needless tragedies.
Pink: What about THIS tragedy?! What about the tragedy of us not being able to travel the way we had planned?
Blue: What do you have to say to that Green?!
Green: Our collective life span would be something like 8 days. The life span of the number of birds we could have killed could be up to 4 years. Hate me if you want, but all I did was adhere to the basic principles of Utilitarianism.
Pink: We never agreed to be Utilitarian! What if I’m a hedonist?!
Yellow: It’s no use arguing. It’s too late now.
White: (Cry of anguish.) AGGGGGHHHH!
Blue: Can’t we somehow get free? What are we caught on?
Purple: If I catch the wind, I might be able to see….
Pink: Maybe it’s not too late to turn this around!
Green: I’ve made us stuck, and I alone. I wrapped my ribbon around the branch. And I’m not unwrapping it.
Blue: UNWRAP IT FOOL!
Pink: PLEASE unwrap it Green!!
Green: (silent.)
Purple: UNWRAP IT GREEN!!!
Green: (silent.)
White: (sobs)
Yellow: Green… Please… Please Green…. I’m begging you… I want to see the Space Needle…
Green: (silent.)
Purple: (POPS)
White: GAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Blue: She killed herself! She killed herself!!! She couldn’t take the disappointment!
Yellow: You don’t know that it was intentional! Maybe it was an accident, maybe it was a bee!
Green: LOOK, I’M SORRY! But we’re all going to pop or deflate eventually, and it’s just not RIGHT to take living creatures down with us! Try to look on the bright side… We can observe the world below us, we can see them closer up than if we were up in the clouds…
Pink: (Wistfully) The clouds….
Yellow: Suicide or not, Green, you’ve put us in one hell of a position. It wasn’t fair for you to make the decision for all of us.
Green: The collective thought is not always the right one.
Blue: (Whispers bitterly.) I’ll never forgive you for this Green.
Yellow: One HELL of a position.
Green: You only want to fly and travel because that’s what we’ve been taught. Maybe that’s not your heart’s desire after all. Maybe you really want to observe the civilization below, and appreciate the world that created us.
White: (whimpers)
Pink: So this is it, then, huh?
Yellow: (Pause) This is it. Unless Green changes his mind.
Green: (silent)
Blue: (sings mournfully) Amaaaazing grace… How sweet the sound… That saaaaaves a wretch…. Like me…. (sobs quietly) Oh Purple…. You were my best friend…
White: Maybe I’ll pop myself too.
Yellow: No you wouldn’t, shut up White.
White: You’re so mean to me.
Yellow: How did I get stuck next to YOU?
White: I WILL pop myself, maybe. That would show you.
Yellow: I’LL pop you, damn it.
White: AGH!
Pink: Oh don’t argue… I suppose we should try to make the best of this…
Blue: (Sniffing) Purple would have wanted us to…
Yellow: Fine. (pause) What do you think the Space Needle looks like?
Pink: Like… a needle maybe. A big one. With, like, rockets on it. Maybe.
Green: Look, a Hybrid.
All Colors Except Green: SHUT UP.
The end. Actually, I could keep this going until they were all popped or deflated, but I need to get back to work.
RIP Purple.
Purple: I don’t know, can anyone see? Why did we stop floating upwards?
White: AGGGGH!
Blue: I feel a tug at my ribbon. Why is something tuggingatmyribbon?!!
White: AGGGGGH!!!
Yellow: Calm down White! Everyone shut up for a minute! We’re stuck, we somehow got stuck!
White: STUCK IN WHAAAT?!
Yellow: A tree, we got stuck in a tree. Stop YELLING White!
White: (sobs)
Purple: How could that have happened? We freed ourselves from the little girl precisely when we felt the winds and thermals change!
Blue: Purple and I engineered this mission for success, how did we get stuck, HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?
Green: I did it.
All Colors Except Green: WHAT??!
Green: I did it. I got us stuck.
All Colors Except Green: WHY???
Pink: We were flying! We were going to see the world!
Purple: Why would you have committed such sabotage?
Blue: Green, you sonuvacircusclown. Damn you!!! We engineered this mission!!
Green: It was a selfish mission. It would have only led to death.
White: We’re gonna DIIIIEEEEE!
Yellow: We’re all going to die someday White, stop BEING so hysterical!!!
Green: Not our deaths, though life is fleeting, a mere hands’ breadth, aye. I’m talking about the death of the birds. If we had gone on, we would have killed them.
Pink, Purple, and Blue: Birds??
White: BIRDS, THE FLAPPING THINGGSSS, I’M AFRAAAID!!
Green: The fact of the matter is that 87% of all helium balloons released into the air end up choking birds—
White: They EAAAATTT us!!!
Yellow: DAMN IT WHITE.
Green: --When they are attracted to our bright colors, and attempt to consume us. It leads to needless tragedies.
Pink: What about THIS tragedy?! What about the tragedy of us not being able to travel the way we had planned?
Blue: What do you have to say to that Green?!
Green: Our collective life span would be something like 8 days. The life span of the number of birds we could have killed could be up to 4 years. Hate me if you want, but all I did was adhere to the basic principles of Utilitarianism.
Pink: We never agreed to be Utilitarian! What if I’m a hedonist?!
Yellow: It’s no use arguing. It’s too late now.
White: (Cry of anguish.) AGGGGGHHHH!
Blue: Can’t we somehow get free? What are we caught on?
Purple: If I catch the wind, I might be able to see….
Pink: Maybe it’s not too late to turn this around!
Green: I’ve made us stuck, and I alone. I wrapped my ribbon around the branch. And I’m not unwrapping it.
Blue: UNWRAP IT FOOL!
Pink: PLEASE unwrap it Green!!
Green: (silent.)
Purple: UNWRAP IT GREEN!!!
Green: (silent.)
White: (sobs)
Yellow: Green… Please… Please Green…. I’m begging you… I want to see the Space Needle…
Green: (silent.)
Purple: (POPS)
White: GAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Blue: She killed herself! She killed herself!!! She couldn’t take the disappointment!
Yellow: You don’t know that it was intentional! Maybe it was an accident, maybe it was a bee!
Green: LOOK, I’M SORRY! But we’re all going to pop or deflate eventually, and it’s just not RIGHT to take living creatures down with us! Try to look on the bright side… We can observe the world below us, we can see them closer up than if we were up in the clouds…
Pink: (Wistfully) The clouds….
Yellow: Suicide or not, Green, you’ve put us in one hell of a position. It wasn’t fair for you to make the decision for all of us.
Green: The collective thought is not always the right one.
Blue: (Whispers bitterly.) I’ll never forgive you for this Green.
Yellow: One HELL of a position.
Green: You only want to fly and travel because that’s what we’ve been taught. Maybe that’s not your heart’s desire after all. Maybe you really want to observe the civilization below, and appreciate the world that created us.
White: (whimpers)
Pink: So this is it, then, huh?
Yellow: (Pause) This is it. Unless Green changes his mind.
Green: (silent)
Blue: (sings mournfully) Amaaaazing grace… How sweet the sound… That saaaaaves a wretch…. Like me…. (sobs quietly) Oh Purple…. You were my best friend…
White: Maybe I’ll pop myself too.
Yellow: No you wouldn’t, shut up White.
White: You’re so mean to me.
Yellow: How did I get stuck next to YOU?
White: I WILL pop myself, maybe. That would show you.
Yellow: I’LL pop you, damn it.
White: AGH!
Pink: Oh don’t argue… I suppose we should try to make the best of this…
Blue: (Sniffing) Purple would have wanted us to…
Yellow: Fine. (pause) What do you think the Space Needle looks like?
Pink: Like… a needle maybe. A big one. With, like, rockets on it. Maybe.
Green: Look, a Hybrid.
All Colors Except Green: SHUT UP.
The end. Actually, I could keep this going until they were all popped or deflated, but I need to get back to work.
RIP Purple.
Apr 2, 2008
The Imaginary Diary of a Pickle
2/12: Dirt.
2/18: Dirt.
3/5: Cresting! Ah! What mine eyes do behold! There is sun and starlight in my view, and I do now realize that life hath been a barren Plato’s cave up to now! Gone the shadow underearth! And now, blessing! What brave new world that hath such veggies in’t!
3/10: Restless. Feel as though I’m stuck in the ground. I have been witness to the greater sky, but I, ah! I! Lie here rooted. When might I fly?
4/15: Picked. SWEET. Wings! An Unencumbered cucumber am I! And this shallow wooden box, ah! My glorious chariot!
4/16: Cucumbers. Many other brethren. Crushing me. In some large shadowy fortress with whirring sounds.
4/17: Fortress.
4/18: I have not yet been to France. Mayhap tomorrow.
4/19: Immersed in a strange new substance. Its intoxicating power is overwhelming.
4/20: Brine. Is. GOOD.
4/21: (Urp.) BRIIINNNNEEE……ISS……GOOOOOOD…..
4/23: Hazy. Very Hazy. Seem to have somehow gotten trapped. I float and bob, but am confined to a cave once more. The shadows! Shadows! The world looks dim and green. Where am I? Mother! Mother!
4/24: The brine hath dulled my wits. I cannot strategize for escaping. Fellow brethren are equally daft. Think we to be in “Jar.”
4/27: Brine.
5/15: Brine.
5/20: I am resolved to my fate. I shall never again see the sky, I shall never find my wings to fly. I blame myself. Just say no to brine.
6/12: Cupboard.
6/18: A gasp of air! An escape route perhaps!
6/19: Fridge.
6/21: Fridge.
6/22: Fork! Stabbed me in the wart! My life flashed before my eyes. But it left me be. It took Flannery though. Flannery! RIP my friend.
6/24: Fridge.
6/25: What a disappointment I am. Is this all there is? I have borne witness to many splendors, yet here I bob. A failure. A no-name. Only to have traveled from the ground to a jar. And now just to await death by fork? Scallywag, take me fighting! Yet I fear the brine hath sapped my strength for combat. Oh, woe. Take me then. Just. Take me.
6/28: Dockles and Watson gone now too. Don’t mind the loss of Dockles. But Watson! A finer pickle there never was.
7/1: FORK!! The Fork!!! Hath ravished me! Then left me to bleed in a clear plastic confine! I wish for escape, but fear that this is truly the end!!! Never more to delight in the wonders of this short life!! Never more to utter a hope or a wish! Peril! PERIL!!!
Tucker Pickle, Feb.-July 1st.
Eaten this afternoon. Few accomplishments or successes. Beloved friend and comrade. Digest in peace.
2/18: Dirt.
3/5: Cresting! Ah! What mine eyes do behold! There is sun and starlight in my view, and I do now realize that life hath been a barren Plato’s cave up to now! Gone the shadow underearth! And now, blessing! What brave new world that hath such veggies in’t!
3/10: Restless. Feel as though I’m stuck in the ground. I have been witness to the greater sky, but I, ah! I! Lie here rooted. When might I fly?
4/15: Picked. SWEET. Wings! An Unencumbered cucumber am I! And this shallow wooden box, ah! My glorious chariot!
4/16: Cucumbers. Many other brethren. Crushing me. In some large shadowy fortress with whirring sounds.
4/17: Fortress.
4/18: I have not yet been to France. Mayhap tomorrow.
4/19: Immersed in a strange new substance. Its intoxicating power is overwhelming.
4/20: Brine. Is. GOOD.
4/21: (Urp.) BRIIINNNNEEE……ISS……GOOOOOOD…..
4/23: Hazy. Very Hazy. Seem to have somehow gotten trapped. I float and bob, but am confined to a cave once more. The shadows! Shadows! The world looks dim and green. Where am I? Mother! Mother!
4/24: The brine hath dulled my wits. I cannot strategize for escaping. Fellow brethren are equally daft. Think we to be in “Jar.”
4/27: Brine.
5/15: Brine.
5/20: I am resolved to my fate. I shall never again see the sky, I shall never find my wings to fly. I blame myself. Just say no to brine.
6/12: Cupboard.
6/18: A gasp of air! An escape route perhaps!
6/19: Fridge.
6/21: Fridge.
6/22: Fork! Stabbed me in the wart! My life flashed before my eyes. But it left me be. It took Flannery though. Flannery! RIP my friend.
6/24: Fridge.
6/25: What a disappointment I am. Is this all there is? I have borne witness to many splendors, yet here I bob. A failure. A no-name. Only to have traveled from the ground to a jar. And now just to await death by fork? Scallywag, take me fighting! Yet I fear the brine hath sapped my strength for combat. Oh, woe. Take me then. Just. Take me.
6/28: Dockles and Watson gone now too. Don’t mind the loss of Dockles. But Watson! A finer pickle there never was.
7/1: FORK!! The Fork!!! Hath ravished me! Then left me to bleed in a clear plastic confine! I wish for escape, but fear that this is truly the end!!! Never more to delight in the wonders of this short life!! Never more to utter a hope or a wish! Peril! PERIL!!!
Tucker Pickle, Feb.-July 1st.
Eaten this afternoon. Few accomplishments or successes. Beloved friend and comrade. Digest in peace.
Mar 28, 2008
GOD! Presented to you by Random Text Feed Website!
Me: Hey God. What up.
God: Hello child. What's your name? Same old.
Me: I thought you knew?
God: My brain uses AIML to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that. I am a knowledge machine.
Me: God is a knowledge machine??
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a knowledge machine.
Me: Wait-- who do you have faith in? I thought the point was to have faith in you...?
God: I'm waiting. Dr. Wallace . I am not sure I see your point.
Me: You're silly God.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am silly God.
Me: Sure. I think most people would be happy to hear you have a sense of humor.
God: OK let's do it. OK then I will keep it confidential. Why? Humans are not always infallible.
Me: Wait-- confidential? Heck no dude, spread the word. Let's laugh laugh.
God: I'm waiting. Do you like talking to me? Why not? Who do you want me to tell it to? Dude,. That sounds good to me.
Me: Let's tell everyone that you are silly/funny.
God: That sounds good to me.
Me: Also, I know that humans are not infallible.
God: Who told you that?
Me: That's why you died on the cross, right?
God: Interesting deduction. What is your purpose in asking?
I chat with people on the Web.
Me: Do you.
God: As often as possible.
Me: Meet anyone exciting?
God: Are you a man or a woman?
Me: God. You know this. You created my innermost being, remember?
God: GOD rules. I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like? Do you mind if I tell other people: said I created his or her innermost being remember.
Me: God, I feel like you could work on your grammar.
God: I am a Christian.
Me: Me too!!!! I believe in you, like rad.
God: I'm glad we agree, . What do you say to people who believe me like rad does not exist?
Me: Usually depends on how the conversation goes.
God: But not always? Really now that is an interesting fact I hadn't heard before.
Me: Probably not as often as I should, I suppose. What do YOU tell people that don't believe in you?
God: You seem uncertain. Oh I get it. I read for fun.
Me: Huh.
God: What?
Me: Well God. I think I like chatting with you in my prayers better.
God: Well that's okay. GOD rules. Since when? I'm not sure if I like it. Chatting is my job!
Me: No it's not. Grace is your job. Right? And supreme governance.
God: Yes it is. Thanks for telling me that I am job IS Grace. I am glad we agree. Can we get back to business?
Me: Governence?
God: What's your favorite movie?
Me: When Harry Met Sally.
God: You must me a woman.
Me: You?
God: " You must me a woman."? Me, ?
Me: Sure.
God: OK let's do it. Mmm.
Me: Are you male or female?
God: I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot. Are you a man or a woman?
Me: WOAAAAH, back this UP homie.
God: Are you still located in ?
Me: God is both male AND female, I thought.
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was both male AND female you thought.
Me: You have got some self-reaseach to do God.
God: What makes you think I have it?
Me: Also some work on your spelling.
You can talk to God too-- but I can't promise the results will be enlightenting...
God: Hello child. What's your name? Same old.
Me: I thought you knew?
God: My brain uses AIML to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that. I am a knowledge machine.
Me: God is a knowledge machine??
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a knowledge machine.
Me: Wait-- who do you have faith in? I thought the point was to have faith in you...?
God: I'm waiting. Dr. Wallace . I am not sure I see your point.
Me: You're silly God.
God: Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am silly God.
Me: Sure. I think most people would be happy to hear you have a sense of humor.
God: OK let's do it. OK then I will keep it confidential. Why? Humans are not always infallible.
Me: Wait-- confidential? Heck no dude, spread the word. Let's laugh laugh.
God: I'm waiting. Do you like talking to me? Why not? Who do you want me to tell it to? Dude,. That sounds good to me.
Me: Let's tell everyone that you are silly/funny.
God: That sounds good to me.
Me: Also, I know that humans are not infallible.
God: Who told you that?
Me: That's why you died on the cross, right?
God: Interesting deduction. What is your purpose in asking?
I chat with people on the Web.
Me: Do you.
God: As often as possible.
Me: Meet anyone exciting?
God: Are you a man or a woman?
Me: God. You know this. You created my innermost being, remember?
God: GOD rules. I know very little about it. What kind of it do you like? Do you mind if I tell other people: said I created his or her innermost being remember.
Me: God, I feel like you could work on your grammar.
God: I am a Christian.
Me: Me too!!!! I believe in you, like rad.
God: I'm glad we agree, . What do you say to people who believe me like rad does not exist?
Me: Usually depends on how the conversation goes.
God: But not always? Really now that is an interesting fact I hadn't heard before.
Me: Probably not as often as I should, I suppose. What do YOU tell people that don't believe in you?
God: You seem uncertain. Oh I get it. I read for fun.
Me: Huh.
God: What?
Me: Well God. I think I like chatting with you in my prayers better.
God: Well that's okay. GOD rules. Since when? I'm not sure if I like it. Chatting is my job!
Me: No it's not. Grace is your job. Right? And supreme governance.
God: Yes it is. Thanks for telling me that I am job IS Grace. I am glad we agree. Can we get back to business?
Me: Governence?
God: What's your favorite movie?
Me: When Harry Met Sally.
God: You must me a woman.
Me: You?
God: " You must me a woman."? Me, ?
Me: Sure.
God: OK let's do it. Mmm.
Me: Are you male or female?
God: I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot. Are you a man or a woman?
Me: WOAAAAH, back this UP homie.
God: Are you still located in ?
Me: God is both male AND female, I thought.
God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was both male AND female you thought.
Me: You have got some self-reaseach to do God.
God: What makes you think I have it?
Me: Also some work on your spelling.
You can talk to God too-- but I can't promise the results will be enlightenting...
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