Imaginary Conversation Amongst Spiders that were in My Close Proximity

In the imagined conversation, the spiders have walkie-talkies.

Kkkksschhhk. Come in Eight Pretty Eyes, this is Big Boy. Over.

Kkkksschhhk. Eight Pretty Eyes coming in. What's the situation Big Boy? Over.

Kkkksscchhhk. Suspect is still in the shower, but the water has stopped. I expect her to emerge at any moment now. Over.

Kkksschk. What is your position Big Boy?

Kkkksscchk. I am positioned prominently on the white wall, legs spread wide to maximize my breadth.

Kkksschkk. Which is enooormous, Big Boy...

Kkkssschk. Don't talk dirty to me now, Pretty Eyes, I've got a job to do. Over.

Kkssccchk. Sorry babe. Over.

Kkkksscchk. It's okay. I AM enormous.

Kkksscchkk. (murmured giggling.) Over.

Kkkssccckk. Ooohhhh, Eight Pretty Eyes, what I wouldn't give to be over that closet doorjamb with you right now... Over.

Kkkksscchkk. I wish you were here too Big Boy. But Queen Hairy Legs was clear on this one. We have to test the human's tolerance of our kind. And we have to evaluate her level of timidity. Over.

Kkkssscchk. Which is why I so bravely volunteered my massive self for intimidation purposes. Over.

Kkksssscckk. You ARE brave, Big Boy. And sooo massive.... But be careful. Over.

Kkkssccchkk. Please. It's a small white female. I expect her to be clutching at the shower curtain and screaming for the old man to help her within seconds of seeing me. I'll be on the ceiling by then. Over.

Kkkscchhk. All the same. I need you babe, I have egg sacs in mind. Bulging egg sacs with future baby Big Boys that will be MASSIVE, and ENORMOUS, and BRAV--

Kkksccchhkk. ALERT, Suspect has emerged! She's toweling off! She has not yet seen me! Over!

Kkkssckkh. What is your position?! Over!

Kkssccckkh. On the wall, on the white wall. I AM HUGE!! FEEEARRR ME! She's seen me, the human has seen me!

Ksscccskh. Did she scream?? Is she clutching the shower curtain??

Kksccskkh. Um-- no. She said, "AAAaagh, frick," but didn't scream. She's-- what is she doing??

Kkksccssk. What is she doing, Big Boy???

Kkksscchkk. She got the toilet paper-- She's-- she's coming this way with the toilet paper!!

Kssskkcchk. RUN, Big Boy, RUN!

Kkskscchkk. WhatisshewhatisshedoingAAAHHHhhh--???!!!! (crunch.)

Kkskkcchk. Big Boy? BIG BOY, COME IN!! COME IN, BIG BOY!!

(Static)

Kkkscckhhkk. BIG BOY??! BIG BOY!!! COME IN BIG BOY!

(Sound of flushing)

Kkkssccchkk. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Eight Pretty Eyes to Big Boy, DO YOU COPY??? (sobs.)


.........



Kkksscchhk. (sniffs.) Queen... Queen Hairy Legs. This is Eight Pretty Eyes. Over.

Kkskscckhk. This is the Queen, what is the status of the mission? Over.

Kkksscchkk. I think... I think Big Boy has been killed by the Suspect. (sobs.) Over.

Kkkssccchk. So the Suspect has a higher intimidation level than we thought she did. Damn. Well, RIP Big Boy, he was a good solider. Are you prepared for your part of the mission?

Kksksccchk. (sobs.)

Kkkscchkk. Eight Pretty Eyes, do you copy?? Over.

Kksccshhk. Yes Queen, I copy. I just...

Kkkscchk. Keep it together Eight. The Suspect is more dangerous than anticipated, and you're needed for your part of the mission. Are you capable of evaluating her killing-effort level? Over.

Kkskcchkk. Yes... yes I think so. I just... hover out of her reach, and see if she gets a chair to close the gap to... To... Kill me! (sobs.)

Kkssccchkk. Excellent. And if she comes close, you have clearance to run, do you copy?

Kkscccshkk. (sobs.)

Kssccscshkk. EIGHT EYES, do you copy?

Ksccshkk. Yes. I copy. But I don't know if I even want to run... I just... Want to be with Big Boy...

Kksccshkk. Keep it together solider. You can't die until you've laid your eggs. Procreation is our first objective. Remember that. Over.

Kksccshkk. Yes your highness... HERE SHE COMES! THE KILLER!

Kkscccshk. What is your position? Over.

Kkksccshkk. High over the door jamb. She's seen me!!! She's not going for the chair though... She's just looking at me with a disgusted expression...



AAgggh, frick. Gramps! There's ANOTHER one...!


That is the end of the Imaginary Walkie-Talkie'd Conversation Between Spiders. I didn't kill Eight Eyes. But I think she must be grief stricken indeed because she is still above the door jamb, after eight or more hours post flushing. Poor Big Boy.

But that's what you get for being an over-cocky sunuva...spider.

An Imaginary Dialogue Among the Colorful Bunch of Balloons Caught in a Tree That I Saw on My Way to Work:

Pink: What just happened?
Purple: I don’t know, can anyone see? Why did we stop floating upwards?
White: AGGGGH!
Blue: I feel a tug at my ribbon. Why is something tuggingatmyribbon?!!
White: AGGGGGH!!!
Yellow: Calm down White! Everyone shut up for a minute! We’re stuck, we somehow got stuck!
White: STUCK IN WHAAAT?!
Yellow: A tree, we got stuck in a tree. Stop YELLING White!
White: (sobs)
Purple: How could that have happened? We freed ourselves from the little girl precisely when we felt the winds and thermals change!
Blue: Purple and I engineered this mission for success, how did we get stuck, HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?
Green: I did it.
All Colors Except Green: WHAT??!
Green: I did it. I got us stuck.
All Colors Except Green: WHY???
Pink: We were flying! We were going to see the world!
Purple: Why would you have committed such sabotage?
Blue: Green, you sonuvacircusclown. Damn you!!! We engineered this mission!!
Green: It was a selfish mission. It would have only led to death.
White: We’re gonna DIIIIEEEEE!
Yellow: We’re all going to die someday White, stop BEING so hysterical!!!
Green: Not our deaths, though life is fleeting, a mere hands’ breadth, aye. I’m talking about the death of the birds. If we had gone on, we would have killed them.
Pink, Purple, and Blue: Birds??
White: BIRDS, THE FLAPPING THINGGSSS, I’M AFRAAAID!!
Green: The fact of the matter is that 87% of all helium balloons released into the air end up choking birds—
White: They EAAAATTT us!!!
Yellow: DAMN IT WHITE.
Green: --When they are attracted to our bright colors, and attempt to consume us. It leads to needless tragedies.
Pink: What about THIS tragedy?! What about the tragedy of us not being able to travel the way we had planned?
Blue: What do you have to say to that Green?!
Green: Our collective life span would be something like 8 days. The life span of the number of birds we could have killed could be up to 4 years. Hate me if you want, but all I did was adhere to the basic principles of Utilitarianism.
Pink: We never agreed to be Utilitarian! What if I’m a hedonist?!
Yellow: It’s no use arguing. It’s too late now.
White: (Cry of anguish.) AGGGGGHHHH!
Blue: Can’t we somehow get free? What are we caught on?
Purple: If I catch the wind, I might be able to see….
Pink: Maybe it’s not too late to turn this around!
Green: I’ve made us stuck, and I alone. I wrapped my ribbon around the branch. And I’m not unwrapping it.
Blue: UNWRAP IT FOOL!
Pink: PLEASE unwrap it Green!!
Green: (silent.)
Purple: UNWRAP IT GREEN!!!
Green: (silent.)
White: (sobs)
Yellow: Green… Please… Please Green…. I’m begging you… I want to see the Space Needle…
Green: (silent.)
Purple: (POPS)
White: GAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Blue: She killed herself! She killed herself!!! She couldn’t take the disappointment!
Yellow: You don’t know that it was intentional! Maybe it was an accident, maybe it was a bee!
Green: LOOK, I’M SORRY! But we’re all going to pop or deflate eventually, and it’s just not RIGHT to take living creatures down with us! Try to look on the bright side… We can observe the world below us, we can see them closer up than if we were up in the clouds…
Pink: (Wistfully) The clouds….
Yellow: Suicide or not, Green, you’ve put us in one hell of a position. It wasn’t fair for you to make the decision for all of us.
Green: The collective thought is not always the right one.
Blue: (Whispers bitterly.) I’ll never forgive you for this Green.
Yellow: One HELL of a position.
Green: You only want to fly and travel because that’s what we’ve been taught. Maybe that’s not your heart’s desire after all. Maybe you really want to observe the civilization below, and appreciate the world that created us.
White: (whimpers)
Pink: So this is it, then, huh?
Yellow: (Pause) This is it. Unless Green changes his mind.
Green: (silent)
Blue: (sings mournfully) Amaaaazing grace… How sweet the sound… That saaaaaves a wretch…. Like me…. (sobs quietly) Oh Purple…. You were my best friend…
White: Maybe I’ll pop myself too.
Yellow: No you wouldn’t, shut up White.
White: You’re so mean to me.
Yellow: How did I get stuck next to YOU?
White: I WILL pop myself, maybe. That would show you.
Yellow: I’LL pop you, damn it.
White: AGH!
Pink: Oh don’t argue… I suppose we should try to make the best of this…
Blue: (Sniffing) Purple would have wanted us to…
Yellow: Fine. (pause) What do you think the Space Needle looks like?
Pink: Like… a needle maybe. A big one. With, like, rockets on it. Maybe.
Green: Look, a Hybrid.
All Colors Except Green: SHUT UP.

The end. Actually, I could keep this going until they were all popped or deflated, but I need to get back to work.

RIP Purple.