God Help Me

Realized today that, were I to get stranded on the side of the road somewhere, or like--- end up on a muddy trail in the woods, or near a yeti or something—I might not have the best survival tools at my disposal. Checked out some emergency kits online and had this hypothesis confirmed. Now, I’ve got to believe that gumption and ingenuity could get me a long ways. However... as to the rest of it... Well, see for yourself. Below: the professional suggestions for what any intelligent person should have on hand, and listed in italics: my closest equivalent.

2400 Calorie Food Bar
Beaten up Nature Valley Granola Bar. 180 calories. Bag of Easter Candy in the back seat. Many calories.

30 Minute High-Intensity Light Stick
30 Minutes of low-intensity entertainment Bottle of Bubbles. Can be reflective. In the light.

Tow Rope
Passport.

Jumper Cables
No. Maybe? Well. No knowledge of where I would put them anyway.

First Aid Kit
Bottle of Ibuprofen. Cough Suppressant Strips. Claritin. Petroleum jelly.

Flashlight with Batteries
Camera with flash.

Fire Extinguisher
Book of matches.

Emergency Survival Bag ( mylar type )
Purse. (Imitation leather type.)

Solar Blanket
Fleece blanket from a church retreat.

Waterproof Poncho
A cheerful attitude. A couple plastic bags. A broken umbrella in Monet’s “Water lilies” print. Bonus: memorized lyrics to “Every Time it Rains, It Rains Pennies From Heaven.”

Swiss Style Army Knife
Nail clippers.

Flat Tire Fixer
What is a flat tire fixer? I’m pretty sure I have a spare and a jack, but the chances of having a Fixer with me that knows how to operate them would be entirely a matter of luck.

Drinking Water
Whatever’s left in my personal water-bottle.

Leather Gloves
Heck yes. Dreamy purple leather lambs-wool-lined Calvin Klein gloves. Purchase: JUSTIFIED.

Whistle
Check. I’m a great whistler. Oh wait—like a metal one? Oh. Never mind.

Duct Tape
Hair brush.

Utility Knife
Car keys.

12 volt Trouble light with clips for your cars battery
Compact mirror.

Emergency Instructions and Help Sign
Journal and pen.

Wet Naps Hand Cleaner.
Shell from the beach that feels like a hand-hold. Not especially sanitizing. But could be reassuring.

Conclusion: I’m screwed. But at least I would be able to document my harrowing death of starvation/thirst/cold/consumption-by-yeti in my pretty leather-bound journal. Posthumously, I could be a best selling author.

And I would have my bubbles. Which usually help me put things into perspective. Keeping things in a healthy perspective would be an essential tool I think when facing...

...Death...