June 16th-ish, over the years

Got this idea from Ginger. Dug up my old journals, found the entries as close to June 16th as I could find... and voila. The amusing result:

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June ?, 2000 (age 16)

Now, the "afterglow" of the break-up has worn off HARDCORE. I wanted him to figure things out, but did he have to figure them out so FAST? And I'm so lonely all over again. And now they're happy together. I miss him. And he's so over me. But there's nothing I can do except get over him now. Because I know that he won't be coming back to me. But there's nothing I can do about it. A chapter has ended.

Melodramatic sob. This is in reference, by the way, to a relationship that lasted 2.5 weeks.

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June-ish, 2001 (age 17)

I'm not sure which is worse: witnessing the failures of those you love, or having those you love witness YOURS. If only everything were as easy as hoping it. They say, "Where there's a will, there's a way." But whose will are they talking about? And why is it that the WAY is up rocky mountains and through aching valleys?

If only things were as simple as we imagined they'd be in childhood. How can I be so old? I know 17 is young in the eyes of the world, but it seems eons away from the soul I had ten years ago. I hate the things that forced me to grow up; yet what would I be without them?

What do I have of real value? What about me is real, and what only pretense? Why do I have what others do not? Why am I who I am? Why this face, this family, this line of circumstances? What is there? What could have been if I had? What might have been if I hadn't? Is this the best I could have done?

The 25-year-old English teacher in me is thrilled to discover that, not only was I asking deep and probing questions in my high-school journal entries, I was also correctly using semi-colons.

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June-ish, 2002 (age 18)

Yikes... this one's ugly. Another break-up chronicled, and this time, the she-devil came out! We'll keep that one locked away...

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June 15th, 2002 (age 19)

I have my t-shirt on backwards.

Life at college clearly advancing my intellect.

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The 2003 journal is lost to the world. Tragedy!!

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June 22, 2004 (age 21)
"Rattling"
It's when your smile gets wider, not bigger
And your eyes stretch wide but don't brighten.
It's when your laugh rattles and ricochets off the walls
When normally it just settles.

You make sure they're impressed,
Which they are.
You make sure that they see it,
Which they do.
You make sure everyone feels just fine, exactly fine,
Which I don't. I'm sorry I don't.

It's so sad.
We've been saying I Love You just over a month.
Why is it souring?

This one does actually make me really sad. That was a brutal time.

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June 15th, 2005
Ahhhh! This is when I was in Rome, traveling around after my study abroad trip, and had met the hilarious charming Scotsmen!
WHEN IN ROME:
- Drink 85 cent wine
- Steal milkshake spoon from ristorante
- Say any Italian word you know as often as possible and with gusto swinging arms and hips. To Italians.
- Sing Irish drinking songs REALLY loud with Scottish boys and lots of other campers around a camping table.
- Use the plastic half of a kinder-egg as a shot glass.
- Brush your teeth with rain-water.
- Make friends with tour guides and get them to do special favors for you.
- Develop insane crushes on nearby neighbors in camp site that hail from Scotland and wear kilts and play wonderful music and kiss you.
- Do as the Romans do.

This is another funny excerpt from that entry:
An Italian guard at the Vatican asked me what I was doing later, and told me, "You have beautiful feet." I think he meant face. I laughed and said, "Grazie!" He wouldn't have had a chance to look at my blistered feet, and he kept staring at my face.
"You like compliment?" he asked, smiling hopefully.
"Si, grazie!"

Rome was such a blast!

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June 24, 2006 (age 22)
Just had arrived in Malawi for a two-month long mission trip!

This is ridiculous now, because I am SO behind on this journal and I'm going to be describing banal past happenings, instead of in-the-moment impressions. We've been in Malawi going on three days now, I've met PEOPLE, I've been to a MARKET, I've cooked food with FIREWOOD... and in the journal, I'm still barely out of Johannesburg. I finally graduate from school and I'm stressed out now from my OWN homework. Maybe that's confirmation I'm supposed to be a teacher.

Homework is the best part of being a teacher, no question. Might have to post a real Africa entry on here sometime-- a shame to post something this vacuous as the representative for that whole incredible experience.

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June 18th, 2007 (23)

... Break ups are the weirdest thing. You know one person better than ANYONE and they know you the same way, and you spend every waking minute together and they are on the forefront of every thought, and they inhabit your future as WELL as your present, and they create so many inside jokes that only the two of you now, and they're the biggest part of your life

Until they are shunned, shut out of it. Until they are forcibly removed and a best friend becomes

An absolute stranger.

I don't even remember how we were together. I don't remember any tender emotions. I remember places, events, and words, but all the sweetness in my heart that was for him was expunged, it was too painful. And now I don't remember the way we were with each other.

It was so odd to be reminded of all that.

Remembering the 2004 one. Still finding sadness there.

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June 24th, 2008 (24)

This one, you can see for yourself.

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June 16, 2009

Today? We were looking for something remarkable for today...?

I have three more days of student teaching left. I am simultaneously broken-hearted and overjoyed at the thought. It kills me that our school is closing down-- I won't ever be able to come back and visit these kids. Trying to soak it up while also pushing the sad reality out of my head and feigning total normalcy is a difficult task.

More 2009 later.

This is Me When I'm Me

From the journaling archives: One great day about two years ago, I was at the beach and craving a journal session but I'd forgotten my journal at home. I had some song sheets with me though-- just pages with lyrics and chords on them-- so I grabbed a couple and scrawled down these happy thoughts on the backs of the pages. Every once in a while, when I'm sorting through the songs I have in my guitar case, I stumble on this old entry and it never fails to make me feel a little happier. Given that the last week has been a little rough, I thought I'd spend some time in my old buoyed self. Hope it makes you feel good too.

11-17-06: Mama's Birthday!!

I am full of love this afternoon, I feel it bubbling up on my insides and feel it close to bursting out of my chest.

Earlier I was looking in the mirror, closely scrutinizing the large red spots on my chin. I haven't been wearing makeup/cover up since I got home from Malawi, so they were definitely flagrant. I considered though, that I sport them with a good deal less embarrassment than I would have last year, when I was wearing makeup all the time. I'm getting used to myself being imperfect, but marvelous, nonetheless. One doesn't have to have perfect skin to be marvelous. So I looked at myself in the mirror and gave Scrutinizing Greta a firm talking-to: "You are MARVELOUS. You're a beautiful girl!" That made me happy.

I left work, where I'd been all morning and decided to go deposit a check and then head next door to my favorite cafe "Champagne," which is tragically closing in two weeks. They have DELICIOUS lemon shortbread cookies which are full of fat and calories but make me feel so full of vivacity and LIFE that I love to get them anyways on days that want to be special occasions. This day wanted to be special.

I happily greeted the Champagne workers-- most of them know me-- and ordered my cookie and my coffee. I expressed my SORROW to the owner about them closing. He said what Sylvain always said: "But. Well." He smiled wide to see me and asked me how I was doing, we had a nice conversation.

On my drive down there, I had put in a cd of my Malawi kids singing. There seriously is MAGIC in those kids' voices, I felt so happy and LOVED!

I decided then to walk to the beach, which I'd been told you can get to from behind the supermarket. I couldn't find it though, all I could see were locked gates with signs that said, "Private." I asked a man if he could help me. He couldn't, but it was a very nice exchange, and I felt like we were friends when I walked away.

Ran into Robert, another Champagne worker, who was eating Ben and Jerry's Pistachio Ice Cream on my way back. He greeted me and we had a nice conversation too. I told him the resolution I'd just made: that if I ever had a beach-front home I would hang a sign on the gate that said: Public Access. EVERYONE WELCOME! So silly, I said, for there to be so much beauty that only so few are allowed to enjoy. I told him-- he asked-- that I worked at the church with students. Robert is a kind person.

I passed a man taking pictures of a fountain, he was trying to get a good angle. I thought that God must love artists and photographers and poets because they take the time to appreciate His special little details, and it made me so happy that this man was reminding me of the special, noteworthy beauty of that fountain. When I passed him, we smiled at each other and I said, "Thank you for doing that!"

I went and sat down at the other fountain to finish my coffee and cookie and saw a student with her grandparents. She came over and hugged me and introduced me to them-- she'll be coming to Women's Ministry Girls' Night tonight, her name is Erin. They invited me to sit down, but I was almost done with my treat so I said, "No thank you!" and said, "It was good to meet you!" and we all smiled some more.

I walked back down to the drugstore because I remembered I needed to get new facewash. There was a Salvation Army bell ringer in a red apron out front which made me happy because: There is a man that is helping people. A woman walked by him and smiled at me which I mistook for a friendly smile of mutual appreciation for the man. But instead she rolled her eyes and said, "It's not even THANKSGIVING yet." As I walked in the store, I heard two other ladies walk in behind me and say to the man, "Aren't you a little early? It's not even Thanksgiving yet!" They made eye contact with me and I got another eye roll.
I said, as politely as possible, "People need help all the time though." And then I ducked down the nearest aisle.

On my way out, I spoke to the man, "Are people giving you a hard time for being too early?"
He sighed. "Yeah. I don't know why, it's only a couple days before Thanksgiving."
"Well, and people need help all the time too! Not just around Christmas."
He laughed, "Yeah!" Then he frowned. "People around here don't need any help so they forget about the people that DO."
I put three dollars in his red bucket. "Well, I'm glad you're doing what you're doing." As I walked away, some ladies came out of the doors and he said loudly to all of us, "Have a good afternoon!"

Also: there are two girlfriends near where I'm sitting on the beach right now, and they're taking pictures of each other and laughing a lot and it makes me happy.

So anyway: as I was driving away, I was thinking about how much God's blessed me, and how He's really given me just about all the "desires of my heart" I've come up with so far. I decided God must like me a lot, I feel as though we are good friends, and I think He likes how much I love Him, and how I do my best to pass on His love to me. I thought about how I've been wishing for a boyfriend lately and then suddenly felt convinced that I don't need to worry about not having a boyfriend now and I don't need to worry about ending up an old maid, because I feel sure that God wants to bless me with a deep love and a family too. I felt Him saying, "Greta, I have got someone SO great for you, don't even worry about it! Just don't be impatient, remember my timing is different than yours! I've got someone SO good for you!"
"Like the connection with [someone's name], will he be like him?"
"WAAAAY better than him. Just you wait."
"Like [someone else's name], but will he pursue me?"
"YEAH. You've got pursuit in store. Just trust me, that I'll bring it about in the right time. Remember that red dress you're going to twirl in, and that bubble you're going to let me hold until you're ready to share it with someone? Do that. I'll take care of it." And He grinned BIG at me.

And I know this is true! God has worked so many other things out in my life in the most RIDICULOUSLY perfect ways, I KNOW that He must have put that much attention into my future MATE too! He's going to be AWESOME, and I feel sure that he exists. I'm pretty sure God isn't willing me to be single forever.

I said, "God, remind me of this the next time I forget."
And I said, "Oh! And help me not to idolize him."

I LOVE GOD, AND ME, AND MY LIFE!!!!!!

From the Archives

We're supposed to fill out a "Get To Know Your Teaching Staff" thing for my school, and the last thing they ask you to contribute is, "Best advice for young people." I saw that initially and thought, "Oh yikes. What to fit into two LINES?" I remembered that I'd written this a couple years ago-- a letter to my cousin on her 13th birthday, my aunt had asked me to write something that might help her along the tricky business of "growing up." Looked at it this morning for inspiration, and I just sort of like it still, so I thought I'd post it. :) Enjoy.

To Miss Maggie,

Well, dearie, I’m only 22 which feels very young to be giving advice… But I remember thinking 22 sounded pretty old when I was about your age, so maybe you’ll credit me with some “aged wisdom" after all... :) So here they are, the staple bits of advice I have come to rely on, and the lessons that I myself have stumbled over. Picture trumpets and fanfare to go along with them if you please.

1.) Fairies DO exist in some parts of the world. They are not in America, but they are in Scotland and Iceland, and some parts of Scandinavia as well. Magic is real if we let it be.

2.) Don’t ask questions that you don’t want to know the answer to.

3.) The best friendships are formed after midnight. This is especially relevant as a college student. Coffee is widely available on college campuses for a reason; relish the late night talks, and never mind the bleary eyes the next morning.

4.) Life should be an adventure, and it’s your job to make it that way.

5.) Everyone is weird. People pretend not to be, but really, everyone has their quirks and the only way to be the best version of yourself is to figure out what makes you tick, and GO with it. You can tell how mature a person is by where they’re at in their state of pretending. True maturity comes when the façade drops, and the delightful human emerges.

6.) Don’t forget to play.

7.) You should always have at least one impossible dream, and you should let yourself believe it might just be possible.

8.) Guys love a girl that can play guitar.

9.) Journal.

10.) The best way to be loved is to love FIRST. Don’t wait for others to love you; take the initiative--then watch the whole world change.

11.) Travel. And this one I heard FROM your mother when I went to London: Do some things that your mother wouldn’t approve of. (But don’t be stupid.)

12.) You will get hurt in life, and your heart will most likely get broken. But that is no reason to live in fear of brokenness, or to push away the wonderful feelings while they’re there. If brokenness comes, cry, and praise God that He is giving you an opportunity to grow closer to Him, and write a few killer break-up songs. But don’t ever try to prevent yourself from falling in love. Falling in love is great.

13.) Remember that it’s okay to ask God questions, but that He has a funny way of answering them sometime. Never forget that He loves you and finds you beautiful.

I hope these few points will make the road ahead a little smoother, but it’s okay if the road has some bumps, because that’s when we learn, and that’s where poems and stories and songs come from. Oh, shoot, one more:

14.) Any bad event or embarrassing moment can usually be turned into a great story.

You’ll learn your own lessons though too sweetheart, and I’m sure you’ll eventually be teaching them to me. Just remember to enjoy life, and notice the little things, and take care of people, and write it all down. You will experience glorious mountaintops and dismal valleys but they’re all part of the colorful tapestry we’re putting together, and I bet that we’ll have a great conversation about them all with our Father one day.

You are LOVED Maggie. Happy 13th birthday. :)

Your big cousin,
Greta

Pieces

My heart is broken tonight.

Written 8/10/2005

Misery landing
Like a tip toe
Tittering softly
With satisfaction?

What a discouraging thing
To concede a victory
To Defeat. It

Grinds away with
An unceasing hum:
Droning and drilling
What feels like a gaping hole.

Scrape, scrape
Like so many layers of
Paint off a wall
Color after color falls away
Leaving a bleak gray wash
And discarded pieces of
A rainbow
On the floor.

This is something of my
Present heart.