This is Me When I'm Me

From the journaling archives: One great day about two years ago, I was at the beach and craving a journal session but I'd forgotten my journal at home. I had some song sheets with me though-- just pages with lyrics and chords on them-- so I grabbed a couple and scrawled down these happy thoughts on the backs of the pages. Every once in a while, when I'm sorting through the songs I have in my guitar case, I stumble on this old entry and it never fails to make me feel a little happier. Given that the last week has been a little rough, I thought I'd spend some time in my old buoyed self. Hope it makes you feel good too.

11-17-06: Mama's Birthday!!

I am full of love this afternoon, I feel it bubbling up on my insides and feel it close to bursting out of my chest.

Earlier I was looking in the mirror, closely scrutinizing the large red spots on my chin. I haven't been wearing makeup/cover up since I got home from Malawi, so they were definitely flagrant. I considered though, that I sport them with a good deal less embarrassment than I would have last year, when I was wearing makeup all the time. I'm getting used to myself being imperfect, but marvelous, nonetheless. One doesn't have to have perfect skin to be marvelous. So I looked at myself in the mirror and gave Scrutinizing Greta a firm talking-to: "You are MARVELOUS. You're a beautiful girl!" That made me happy.

I left work, where I'd been all morning and decided to go deposit a check and then head next door to my favorite cafe "Champagne," which is tragically closing in two weeks. They have DELICIOUS lemon shortbread cookies which are full of fat and calories but make me feel so full of vivacity and LIFE that I love to get them anyways on days that want to be special occasions. This day wanted to be special.

I happily greeted the Champagne workers-- most of them know me-- and ordered my cookie and my coffee. I expressed my SORROW to the owner about them closing. He said what Sylvain always said: "But. Well." He smiled wide to see me and asked me how I was doing, we had a nice conversation.

On my drive down there, I had put in a cd of my Malawi kids singing. There seriously is MAGIC in those kids' voices, I felt so happy and LOVED!

I decided then to walk to the beach, which I'd been told you can get to from behind the supermarket. I couldn't find it though, all I could see were locked gates with signs that said, "Private." I asked a man if he could help me. He couldn't, but it was a very nice exchange, and I felt like we were friends when I walked away.

Ran into Robert, another Champagne worker, who was eating Ben and Jerry's Pistachio Ice Cream on my way back. He greeted me and we had a nice conversation too. I told him the resolution I'd just made: that if I ever had a beach-front home I would hang a sign on the gate that said: Public Access. EVERYONE WELCOME! So silly, I said, for there to be so much beauty that only so few are allowed to enjoy. I told him-- he asked-- that I worked at the church with students. Robert is a kind person.

I passed a man taking pictures of a fountain, he was trying to get a good angle. I thought that God must love artists and photographers and poets because they take the time to appreciate His special little details, and it made me so happy that this man was reminding me of the special, noteworthy beauty of that fountain. When I passed him, we smiled at each other and I said, "Thank you for doing that!"

I went and sat down at the other fountain to finish my coffee and cookie and saw a student with her grandparents. She came over and hugged me and introduced me to them-- she'll be coming to Women's Ministry Girls' Night tonight, her name is Erin. They invited me to sit down, but I was almost done with my treat so I said, "No thank you!" and said, "It was good to meet you!" and we all smiled some more.

I walked back down to the drugstore because I remembered I needed to get new facewash. There was a Salvation Army bell ringer in a red apron out front which made me happy because: There is a man that is helping people. A woman walked by him and smiled at me which I mistook for a friendly smile of mutual appreciation for the man. But instead she rolled her eyes and said, "It's not even THANKSGIVING yet." As I walked in the store, I heard two other ladies walk in behind me and say to the man, "Aren't you a little early? It's not even Thanksgiving yet!" They made eye contact with me and I got another eye roll.
I said, as politely as possible, "People need help all the time though." And then I ducked down the nearest aisle.

On my way out, I spoke to the man, "Are people giving you a hard time for being too early?"
He sighed. "Yeah. I don't know why, it's only a couple days before Thanksgiving."
"Well, and people need help all the time too! Not just around Christmas."
He laughed, "Yeah!" Then he frowned. "People around here don't need any help so they forget about the people that DO."
I put three dollars in his red bucket. "Well, I'm glad you're doing what you're doing." As I walked away, some ladies came out of the doors and he said loudly to all of us, "Have a good afternoon!"

Also: there are two girlfriends near where I'm sitting on the beach right now, and they're taking pictures of each other and laughing a lot and it makes me happy.

So anyway: as I was driving away, I was thinking about how much God's blessed me, and how He's really given me just about all the "desires of my heart" I've come up with so far. I decided God must like me a lot, I feel as though we are good friends, and I think He likes how much I love Him, and how I do my best to pass on His love to me. I thought about how I've been wishing for a boyfriend lately and then suddenly felt convinced that I don't need to worry about not having a boyfriend now and I don't need to worry about ending up an old maid, because I feel sure that God wants to bless me with a deep love and a family too. I felt Him saying, "Greta, I have got someone SO great for you, don't even worry about it! Just don't be impatient, remember my timing is different than yours! I've got someone SO good for you!"
"Like the connection with [someone's name], will he be like him?"
"WAAAAY better than him. Just you wait."
"Like [someone else's name], but will he pursue me?"
"YEAH. You've got pursuit in store. Just trust me, that I'll bring it about in the right time. Remember that red dress you're going to twirl in, and that bubble you're going to let me hold until you're ready to share it with someone? Do that. I'll take care of it." And He grinned BIG at me.

And I know this is true! God has worked so many other things out in my life in the most RIDICULOUSLY perfect ways, I KNOW that He must have put that much attention into my future MATE too! He's going to be AWESOME, and I feel sure that he exists. I'm pretty sure God isn't willing me to be single forever.

I said, "God, remind me of this the next time I forget."
And I said, "Oh! And help me not to idolize him."

I LOVE GOD, AND ME, AND MY LIFE!!!!!!

How To Attend Your Internet Classes on a Gloriously Sunny Day:

1.) Go outside with laptop, lunch, water bottle, and fleece blanket.
2.) Spread fleece blanket on ground.
3.) Sprawl.
4.) Open laptop. Find that the sun prevents you from being able to see the screen.
5.) Pick up laptop, lunch, water bottle, and fleece blanket, and move everything close to the shade.
6.) Put laptop in the shade. Arrange everything else so that it's still in the sun.
7.) Sprawl.
8.) Check internet connection. Find that you've only got one bar.
9.) Try it anyway.
10.) Wait.
11.) Consider other options.
12.) Pick up laptop, lunch, water bottle, and fleece blanket; go inside.
13.) Go upstairs.
14.) Go out on Grandpa's balcony.
15.) Set laptop on wide wooden railing; check connection.
16.) Find that you have a strong signal.
17.) Fist pump.
18.) Try to arrange fleece blanket in tent formation around screen to enable viewing.
19.) View floppy tent formation with skepticism. Consider other options.
20.) Go down to basement.
21.) Find large box.
22.) Bring upstairs and out onto Grandpa's balcony.
23.) Place box around laptop.
24.) View screen easily with brand new woman-made shade.
25.) Fist pump.
26.) Go get chair to complete outdoor desk set-up.
27.) Bask:

28.) Enjoy:

29.) Start on homework.
30.) But first, procrastinate by blogging.