From the Archives

We're supposed to fill out a "Get To Know Your Teaching Staff" thing for my school, and the last thing they ask you to contribute is, "Best advice for young people." I saw that initially and thought, "Oh yikes. What to fit into two LINES?" I remembered that I'd written this a couple years ago-- a letter to my cousin on her 13th birthday, my aunt had asked me to write something that might help her along the tricky business of "growing up." Looked at it this morning for inspiration, and I just sort of like it still, so I thought I'd post it. :) Enjoy.

To Miss Maggie,

Well, dearie, I’m only 22 which feels very young to be giving advice… But I remember thinking 22 sounded pretty old when I was about your age, so maybe you’ll credit me with some “aged wisdom" after all... :) So here they are, the staple bits of advice I have come to rely on, and the lessons that I myself have stumbled over. Picture trumpets and fanfare to go along with them if you please.

1.) Fairies DO exist in some parts of the world. They are not in America, but they are in Scotland and Iceland, and some parts of Scandinavia as well. Magic is real if we let it be.

2.) Don’t ask questions that you don’t want to know the answer to.

3.) The best friendships are formed after midnight. This is especially relevant as a college student. Coffee is widely available on college campuses for a reason; relish the late night talks, and never mind the bleary eyes the next morning.

4.) Life should be an adventure, and it’s your job to make it that way.

5.) Everyone is weird. People pretend not to be, but really, everyone has their quirks and the only way to be the best version of yourself is to figure out what makes you tick, and GO with it. You can tell how mature a person is by where they’re at in their state of pretending. True maturity comes when the façade drops, and the delightful human emerges.

6.) Don’t forget to play.

7.) You should always have at least one impossible dream, and you should let yourself believe it might just be possible.

8.) Guys love a girl that can play guitar.

9.) Journal.

10.) The best way to be loved is to love FIRST. Don’t wait for others to love you; take the initiative--then watch the whole world change.

11.) Travel. And this one I heard FROM your mother when I went to London: Do some things that your mother wouldn’t approve of. (But don’t be stupid.)

12.) You will get hurt in life, and your heart will most likely get broken. But that is no reason to live in fear of brokenness, or to push away the wonderful feelings while they’re there. If brokenness comes, cry, and praise God that He is giving you an opportunity to grow closer to Him, and write a few killer break-up songs. But don’t ever try to prevent yourself from falling in love. Falling in love is great.

13.) Remember that it’s okay to ask God questions, but that He has a funny way of answering them sometime. Never forget that He loves you and finds you beautiful.

I hope these few points will make the road ahead a little smoother, but it’s okay if the road has some bumps, because that’s when we learn, and that’s where poems and stories and songs come from. Oh, shoot, one more:

14.) Any bad event or embarrassing moment can usually be turned into a great story.

You’ll learn your own lessons though too sweetheart, and I’m sure you’ll eventually be teaching them to me. Just remember to enjoy life, and notice the little things, and take care of people, and write it all down. You will experience glorious mountaintops and dismal valleys but they’re all part of the colorful tapestry we’re putting together, and I bet that we’ll have a great conversation about them all with our Father one day.

You are LOVED Maggie. Happy 13th birthday. :)

Your big cousin,
Greta

Special Guest Writer

Got this forwarded email from one of my fellow gritting-teethers in what can only be described as The Elite Customer Service Posse. We get strange customer letters sometimes, but this is far better than anything we've ever gotten in our department. Hope it tickles you.

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.. And that's a promise I will keep. Always. . .

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX