I was making copies in the staff lounge when Mike the Photography Teacher came in; this is a man I’ve talked to probably twice in my life.
“So how can I get one of your CDs?” he asked.
“What?” I asked, surprised.
“The kids are playing your CD in my class!” he said. “And they’re singing along, they know all the words!”
“What?!” I said. “Are you serious?!”
“Yeah!”
“Oh my gosh… I gave out some of those as prizes when we played Grammar Jeopardy in class—I can’t believe they’re playing them in your class--!”
“They LOVE it!” he said. “I’d really like one—you remind me of like a 70’s folk singer.”
“Thanks...” I said, turning red. “I’m embarrassed, but flattered.”
Another teacher came in. “You have a CD?” she asked.
“Well, I gave out burned CDs when we played Grammar Jeopardy, as prizes—but initially, I’d just brought in mix CDs of my favorite music. But then the kids asked, ‘Are these YOUR songs?’ and I said, ‘No! I’m not going to try to push my music off on you guys.’ But they said, ‘Well we’d want the CD if they were YOUR songs!’... So I brought in a couple of burned CDs the next day of my music... Oh my gosh, and they know the words??”
He smiled. “All of them. They really care about you. It’s obvious they really care about you. So what do you think, can I pay you for one?”
“No, don’t PAY me.”
“I insist, I’d want to give you something.”
“Well, buy me coffee then. But sure, I’ll bring one in for you.”
When I got back to the classroom, Viola reiterated the same thing. “I forgot to tell you! When you were gone last Friday, all the kids were talking about your songs!”
What a funny, unexpected start to a dreary, rainy morning. My favorite part was when he said, "It's obvious they really care about you." Good words.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Remember when I blogged about the students who were like peeing puppy dogs? Raoul is another one. Huge dark brown eyes with long lashes, a sweet temperament, a good heart-- and he never gets his work in. Some of my Latino boys have developed a trick with me: they ask for ONE MORE DAY to get it done, and give me some excuse for why that's valid. Usually it's because they were absent. (Which is usually because they were skipping class.) If I show any signs of wavering (which I usually do), they try to sweeten the deal. "How about for half-credit? Please?"
"Raoul, I need your reading journal."
"But I was gone."
"I know, that's why I need it now. It was due before break."
"But couldn't I have an extra day to get it in, since I was absent?"
"No, because it was due BEFORE break. You had an entire extra WEEK to get it done."
"You always say no to me! Why do you always say no to me?"
"I do NOT always say no to you, I have given you sooo many breaks, Raoul."
"No you don't, you always say no--"
"Raoul. This was due BEFORE BREAK. I will give you until the end of the day to turn in whatever you've got. If I don't see it by the end of the day, you're getting zero credit, and I won't accept it late. Okay?"
He grumbled and muttered.
"So DON'T FORGET to turn it in at the end of the day. Write it on your hand or something."
Raoul has done this before. He "forgets" to come back at the end of the day, gets his extra time, and then usually manages to get his credit.
In fifth period, one of the other Latino boys asked if he could turn his in-class assignment in at the end of the day, just to have a little more time. "Yes. And remind Raoul that he HAS to bring me his reading journal, otherwise I'm not accepting it at all."
"I will. Thanks Greta."
After school I waited. No Raoul. No George.
Grumpily, I packed up my stuff, and rehearsed in my head the conversations that I imagined ensuing the next day. "But I forgot!" "You must think I'm so stupid, Raoul..." They ALWAYS do this. Stupid peeing puppy dogs.
As I was driving away from the school, I saw the two of them along with some of their friends out of the corner of my eye, all waiting for their Metro bus. "THEM!" I thought. I screeched my car to a halt, pulling over on the side of the road. In my rear-view mirror, I could see them staring at my lit tail-lights in curiosity. Then, as soon as the road was clear, I whipped my car around in a U-turn and pulled up alongside the curb. Their eyes got big. I rolled down my window and smiled cheerfully.
"Raoul! George! I just wanted to let you know that you can slide your stuff under the door!"
"What...?" Raoul asked.
"When you go back to the classroom to turn in your reading journal. Because you were planning on doing that, right? Just go ahead, and slide it under the door!"
George untangled himself from the female he'd been draping. "What? You need my reading journal?"
"No, I need your in-class assignment, and Raoul's journal."
"Do you need anything from ME?!" their friend asked in panic.
"No Jose, you're fine."
Raoul had pulled his coat up over his grinning face. George turned to him, "Dude, I'm not done with mine."
"Or you can just give it to me now," I told Raoul.
"Noo... I'll go back and turn it in..." he said, grinning in spite of himself.
"Alright then. See you later!"
And I whipped my car back around and sped off. Lesson to me? No more allowing these boys to "turn things in at the end of the day." Lesson to them? I can, and will, HUNT THEM DOWN.
Showing posts with label songs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label songs. Show all posts
Feb 24, 2009
Jan 15, 2009
Dragons and Dylan
Since I've confessed teaching fears and insecurities and difficult moments to you on this blog, will you forgive me for telling you about what feels like a smashing success? If at any point the gushing becomes unbearable, just refer back to this. You'll be properly reassured that there have been plenty of pitifully ghastly moments as well.
But not during the last two days.
The last two days have been AWESOME.
Viola tagged along on a theatre field trip to Port Townsend this week, which meant I had all of Wednesday and Thursday to instruct. These are both block days-- 90 minute periods. It was my first time teaching a 90 minute lesson, and only the second time I would be teaching without Viola nearby to crack the whip--which meant that I was knee-knocking nervous. She had asked me to teach them how to write an in-class essay. When I worked out the lesson plan, I kept feeling discouraged and hitting mental blocks. After phoning a friend (actually two: teaching-cohort friend Josh, and edgy-English-teacher friend Mark) for ideas, I'd worked out what I wanted to do.
Wednesday: wore a very grown-up outfit to help things.
We started with the main information: I'd written out the main points to think about when writing an in-class essay and we read over the sheet as a class. The Wednesday crew seemed to drag during this part, so for Thursday, I took out key words and replaced them with blanks. The kids guessed what the key words were supposed to be and "filled in the blanks" as we went along, which kept them engaged.
Then came the fun part. "You all know how much I love metaphors," I told them. "And I think of writing an in-class essay as being similar to heading into BATTLE! You want to nail this thing, conquer the beast! So if we're going into battle, the first thing we have to do is figure out what we're fighting-- we have to pick the prompt we want to take on. So if this is a battle, do we want to fight the evil sorcerer or the dragon?"
The classes all perked up at this part. Sorcerers? Dragons? The dragon beat out poor Voldemort every time.
"Okay-- forgive my artistic abilities guys, I'm not nearly the artist that most of you are." And I drew a BIG dragon on the board. The kids loved that.
"Give it wings! Give it a spiky tail! Wait, it looks too happy. That's better."
I labeled it PROMPT. "Okay. That's what we're taking on. Now what do we need if we're going to fight a DRAGON?"
"A weapon!"
"RIGHT! And the weapon is going to be our thesis statement, because there's no way you can successfully take on a prompt without a thesis. So what should we fight him with?"
We fought the dragon with a fire hose, ninja stars, a magical sword, and a nuclear bomb, for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th period respectively.
The boots were the essay outline, since you can't move forward without boots. The helmet represented brainstorming. And the armor made up the supporting points. "And if you don't make sure ALL areas of your body are covered, the dragon's going to lop that part right off! And THERE goes an arm! And we might pretend it's not a big deal, but it would definitely be more than a flesh wound. Okay? You want to make sure that you back up your thesis with GOOD armor."
In 4th period, one of our most eccentric kids who has repeatedly failed our class, but who is a BRILLIANT artist scooted up and shooed me away from the white board. "I want to draw the dragon." His creation was hilarious and elaborate, and I was able to teach while he went to dragon town.
Then the kids drew their own. And they came up with the BEST analogies! One girl drew her make-up kit: the directions were the outline, since you needed to have some idea how to put your make-up on. The different pictures of how you could apply it represented brainstorming. The brush was the thesis statement, because you can't put makeup on without it, and the different colors of makeup were the supporting points. One African kid-- who often struggles in our class, because of his language difficulties-- drew a basketball hoop as the prompt, the ball as the thesis statement, his athletic positioning as the supporting points, and his shoes as the outline. It was spot on. When they were done, they went up front and explained their analogy-- and they were seriously GREAT! They totally got the concept, and by teaching it themselves, the different steps were repeatedly reinforced.
The next part of the lesson I had struggled with. I wanted to have them practice writing an essay in class, but on what? We finished our last book before break, and we'd only been looking at haiku in the last week. But how can you write an essay on a haiku? Then I remembered that my Wednesday sub was a guitar player who loved Bob Dylan.
So we busted out Bob Dylan.
After giving them some background on who Bob Dylan was, and the context in which he wrote his famous song, "Blowin' in the Wind," we played it for them, trading off verses, doing harmonies at the end, and Neil even did a sweet guitar solo. The kids loved it! Later in the day, in our mentoring class which normally just acts as a study hall, the kids all made me play more songs, and clamored about which one was their favorite. They liked my songs!!
After playing the Dylan song, I asked, "So what is this song about? What is Dylan saying with all this?" The kids have amazing poetic sensibilities, and they made some beautiful observations. One kid said that "blowin' in the wind" meant that, even though the answer is immediately in front of us, it would take work to CHASE after it-- and it's our laziness that results in all these continued problems. Another kid suggested that the line, "How many times must the white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand?" referenced Noah's ark. "The flood came because of all the chaos in the world, so it's asking when the world will finally be peaceful enough for the waters to go down so the dove can land." Another kid observed that the line, "How many times must a man look up before he sees the sky?" implied that we were so consumed with our own comforts and the "being indoors" that we refused to look at what was real, what was high above us, what was clear.
GREAT stuff, right??
Then we wrote an essay together, examining what the line "The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind" might mean. We brainstormed, and then outlined, and picked a thesis. The kids contributed their ideas for supporting points, and picked lines from the song as evidence. I asked them, "So are you getting this? You're tracking? If you came in to an essay exam, do you feel like you would know how to start now?" They all nodded, nodded, yes, yes we would.
The last ten minutes, they read the haikus they had been assigned to write for homework. And they were beautiful. They were BEAUTIFUL. These are just... magic moments.
And guys, I felt like such a TEACHER! I joked with the students, but was very much the adult in the room, and they were respectful and attentive. The sub I had today told me, "You have an incredible rapport with these kids. They really respect you. I mean they REALLY respect you, you can see it."
"Really??" I asked, delighted. "That mutual respect thing is very important to me-- I don't feel I can ask for their respect unless I demonstrate that I respect them, so that's been something I've been really working towards..."
"Well you HAVE it," he said. "You have a great sense of how to work with them-- you know when to joke with them to get them to do something you need, but you also know when to get more serious-- your tone and the inflection of your voice guides them in just the way it needs to. I've never seen a student teacher who was able to handle the kids like you do."
He told me that!!!
I saw my dragon-artist in the hall later on, who is consistently a contrarian in class-- any point made will be rebutted by this student. But he's delightful. I told him, "Clark, thanks for the white board illustration today, that was fantastic. And I always enjoy hearing what you have to say. I know we sometimes give you a hard time for your quips, but you're very witty."
"Thaaaanks," he said, in his particular way of talking. "I like that you do metaphors, it makes it less boring." This is a kid that doesn't do ANY homework, and rarely does ANY of the in class work. And he thought my lesson was interesting!
Later on, two boys were talking outside of our swing dance class: Andre-- remember Andre? and this sweet African immigrant kid named Rakeesh, who's tall and athletic, and works really hard. Andre said as I approached, "Hey Greta, Rakeesh's talkin' smack about you, you know..."
"Whaaaat?" I said, grinning.
"No I did't! I was not!" Rakeesh said. And then in his halting English he said, "She's a...good singah', an', an', an' a GREAT teacher!"
HE SAID THAT!! My own student said that I'm a great teacher!!!
It was just an awesome two days. There have been so many times this year when I've felt discouraged, when I've felt exhausted, when I've wondered if I really want to have to plan lessons and grade papers for the rest of my life... But days like this remind me why I got into this in the first place. I do feel CALLED to this. And these magical moments... man! Honestly, there's nothing like it, feeling like you got THROUGH somehow-- feeling like YOU learned something from these amazing, angsty, hormone-ridden, stubborn, sensitive, unique, incredible individuals staring back at you from their desks.
I know more hard moments are coming, and that there will be many more points where I feel discouraged. But the last two days were just the best. And this blog will be my way of preserving it-- putting it in a Mason jar and sealing it tight, and keeping it in a place where I can pull it out when I need that extra sustenance.
I loved these days. I just loved them.
But not during the last two days.
The last two days have been AWESOME.
Viola tagged along on a theatre field trip to Port Townsend this week, which meant I had all of Wednesday and Thursday to instruct. These are both block days-- 90 minute periods. It was my first time teaching a 90 minute lesson, and only the second time I would be teaching without Viola nearby to crack the whip--which meant that I was knee-knocking nervous. She had asked me to teach them how to write an in-class essay. When I worked out the lesson plan, I kept feeling discouraged and hitting mental blocks. After phoning a friend (actually two: teaching-cohort friend Josh, and edgy-English-teacher friend Mark) for ideas, I'd worked out what I wanted to do.
Wednesday: wore a very grown-up outfit to help things.
We started with the main information: I'd written out the main points to think about when writing an in-class essay and we read over the sheet as a class. The Wednesday crew seemed to drag during this part, so for Thursday, I took out key words and replaced them with blanks. The kids guessed what the key words were supposed to be and "filled in the blanks" as we went along, which kept them engaged.
Then came the fun part. "You all know how much I love metaphors," I told them. "And I think of writing an in-class essay as being similar to heading into BATTLE! You want to nail this thing, conquer the beast! So if we're going into battle, the first thing we have to do is figure out what we're fighting-- we have to pick the prompt we want to take on. So if this is a battle, do we want to fight the evil sorcerer or the dragon?"
The classes all perked up at this part. Sorcerers? Dragons? The dragon beat out poor Voldemort every time.
"Okay-- forgive my artistic abilities guys, I'm not nearly the artist that most of you are." And I drew a BIG dragon on the board. The kids loved that.
"Give it wings! Give it a spiky tail! Wait, it looks too happy. That's better."
I labeled it PROMPT. "Okay. That's what we're taking on. Now what do we need if we're going to fight a DRAGON?"
"A weapon!"
"RIGHT! And the weapon is going to be our thesis statement, because there's no way you can successfully take on a prompt without a thesis. So what should we fight him with?"
We fought the dragon with a fire hose, ninja stars, a magical sword, and a nuclear bomb, for 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th period respectively.
The boots were the essay outline, since you can't move forward without boots. The helmet represented brainstorming. And the armor made up the supporting points. "And if you don't make sure ALL areas of your body are covered, the dragon's going to lop that part right off! And THERE goes an arm! And we might pretend it's not a big deal, but it would definitely be more than a flesh wound. Okay? You want to make sure that you back up your thesis with GOOD armor."
In 4th period, one of our most eccentric kids who has repeatedly failed our class, but who is a BRILLIANT artist scooted up and shooed me away from the white board. "I want to draw the dragon." His creation was hilarious and elaborate, and I was able to teach while he went to dragon town.
Then the kids drew their own. And they came up with the BEST analogies! One girl drew her make-up kit: the directions were the outline, since you needed to have some idea how to put your make-up on. The different pictures of how you could apply it represented brainstorming. The brush was the thesis statement, because you can't put makeup on without it, and the different colors of makeup were the supporting points. One African kid-- who often struggles in our class, because of his language difficulties-- drew a basketball hoop as the prompt, the ball as the thesis statement, his athletic positioning as the supporting points, and his shoes as the outline. It was spot on. When they were done, they went up front and explained their analogy-- and they were seriously GREAT! They totally got the concept, and by teaching it themselves, the different steps were repeatedly reinforced.
The next part of the lesson I had struggled with. I wanted to have them practice writing an essay in class, but on what? We finished our last book before break, and we'd only been looking at haiku in the last week. But how can you write an essay on a haiku? Then I remembered that my Wednesday sub was a guitar player who loved Bob Dylan.
So we busted out Bob Dylan.
After giving them some background on who Bob Dylan was, and the context in which he wrote his famous song, "Blowin' in the Wind," we played it for them, trading off verses, doing harmonies at the end, and Neil even did a sweet guitar solo. The kids loved it! Later in the day, in our mentoring class which normally just acts as a study hall, the kids all made me play more songs, and clamored about which one was their favorite. They liked my songs!!
After playing the Dylan song, I asked, "So what is this song about? What is Dylan saying with all this?" The kids have amazing poetic sensibilities, and they made some beautiful observations. One kid said that "blowin' in the wind" meant that, even though the answer is immediately in front of us, it would take work to CHASE after it-- and it's our laziness that results in all these continued problems. Another kid suggested that the line, "How many times must the white dove sail before she sleeps in the sand?" referenced Noah's ark. "The flood came because of all the chaos in the world, so it's asking when the world will finally be peaceful enough for the waters to go down so the dove can land." Another kid observed that the line, "How many times must a man look up before he sees the sky?" implied that we were so consumed with our own comforts and the "being indoors" that we refused to look at what was real, what was high above us, what was clear.
GREAT stuff, right??
Then we wrote an essay together, examining what the line "The answer my friend is blowin' in the wind" might mean. We brainstormed, and then outlined, and picked a thesis. The kids contributed their ideas for supporting points, and picked lines from the song as evidence. I asked them, "So are you getting this? You're tracking? If you came in to an essay exam, do you feel like you would know how to start now?" They all nodded, nodded, yes, yes we would.
The last ten minutes, they read the haikus they had been assigned to write for homework. And they were beautiful. They were BEAUTIFUL. These are just... magic moments.
And guys, I felt like such a TEACHER! I joked with the students, but was very much the adult in the room, and they were respectful and attentive. The sub I had today told me, "You have an incredible rapport with these kids. They really respect you. I mean they REALLY respect you, you can see it."
"Really??" I asked, delighted. "That mutual respect thing is very important to me-- I don't feel I can ask for their respect unless I demonstrate that I respect them, so that's been something I've been really working towards..."
"Well you HAVE it," he said. "You have a great sense of how to work with them-- you know when to joke with them to get them to do something you need, but you also know when to get more serious-- your tone and the inflection of your voice guides them in just the way it needs to. I've never seen a student teacher who was able to handle the kids like you do."
He told me that!!!
I saw my dragon-artist in the hall later on, who is consistently a contrarian in class-- any point made will be rebutted by this student. But he's delightful. I told him, "Clark, thanks for the white board illustration today, that was fantastic. And I always enjoy hearing what you have to say. I know we sometimes give you a hard time for your quips, but you're very witty."
"Thaaaanks," he said, in his particular way of talking. "I like that you do metaphors, it makes it less boring." This is a kid that doesn't do ANY homework, and rarely does ANY of the in class work. And he thought my lesson was interesting!
Later on, two boys were talking outside of our swing dance class: Andre-- remember Andre? and this sweet African immigrant kid named Rakeesh, who's tall and athletic, and works really hard. Andre said as I approached, "Hey Greta, Rakeesh's talkin' smack about you, you know..."
"Whaaaat?" I said, grinning.
"No I did't! I was not!" Rakeesh said. And then in his halting English he said, "She's a...good singah', an', an', an' a GREAT teacher!"
HE SAID THAT!! My own student said that I'm a great teacher!!!
It was just an awesome two days. There have been so many times this year when I've felt discouraged, when I've felt exhausted, when I've wondered if I really want to have to plan lessons and grade papers for the rest of my life... But days like this remind me why I got into this in the first place. I do feel CALLED to this. And these magical moments... man! Honestly, there's nothing like it, feeling like you got THROUGH somehow-- feeling like YOU learned something from these amazing, angsty, hormone-ridden, stubborn, sensitive, unique, incredible individuals staring back at you from their desks.
I know more hard moments are coming, and that there will be many more points where I feel discouraged. But the last two days were just the best. And this blog will be my way of preserving it-- putting it in a Mason jar and sealing it tight, and keeping it in a place where I can pull it out when I need that extra sustenance.
I loved these days. I just loved them.
Dec 30, 2008
2008 Sing-A-Long
At the end of every year, I make a list in my journal of all the SIGNIFICANT events that transpired over the last 365 days. THAT list would be a little too personal for a publicly accessed blog, but I'll provide a little teaser. I've realized when looking through playlists in my I-Tunes that so many moments of this year have had a song to accompany them-- one that I played on repeat during the days when one of these specific situations took over. Therefore, I'll give you the list of significant events, month by month-- but instead of naming the happenings, I'll just provide the relevant lyrics. I didn't write a ton of songs this year, but where they apply, I put included some of my own lyrics. Forgive the earlier months for being a little skimpier on the songs-- there was less happening then!
JANUARY:
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
Yael Naim, "New Soul"
FEBRUARY:
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain
And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around
But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day
Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
...
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.
Caedmon's Call, "Table for Two"
MARCH:
Its time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, it's time to get going
Tom Petty, "Time to Move On"
But I, I think I've tried to make the best of it
So why would you chastise me for the rest of it?
Escaping and capering to some far off place seems like the grace I need;
I've made a ladder out of confused gray matter and tied up bedroom sheets
I'm leaving this place, I'm going to outer space.
My song, "Outer Space"
APRIL:
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
...
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
...
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault.
Alanis Morissette, "Head Over Feet"
Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter's over: be my darling
It's been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone!
Josh Ritter, "Snow is Gone"
Gotta spend some time, love
Gotta spend some time with me
Gotta spend some time, love
I will possess your heart.
Death Cab for Cutie, "I Will Possess Your Heart"
MAY:
Kiss me once, kiss me twice
Kiss me once again
It's been a long, long time.
Keely Smith, "It's Been A Long, Long Time"
For being brave and following when I ran away,
For showing me that trusting you might just be safe,
For knowing when to kiss me and when to stop and pray
I think I should thank you.
For seeing me as the woman that I want to be,
For recognizing the girl that is simply me,
For letting go and holding on and being free,
I think I should thank you.
For having the respect to treat me honestly,
For fighting to be the man that he's asked you to be,
For thinking of my heart when you are on your knees,
I think I should thank you.
My song, "Thank You"
JUNE:
Freedom is ours to hold
It's just a struggle in your mind to keep your soul
Keep your soul
Beautiful Girls, "Freedom (Part 2)"
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
The Weepies, "The World Spins Madly On"
I’ve seen my future slip through my hands
Watched the wind whip through desert sands
Then I remember I’m no ordinary man and I’m
Going somewhere
Going somewhere
Colin Hay, "Going Somewhere"
JULY:
And I ask you, friend, what's a fella to do
'Cause her hair was black and her eyes were blue
So I took her hand and I gave her a twirl
And I lost my heart to a Galway girl
The Town Pants, "Galway Girl"
You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free
Tom Petty, "Wildflowers"
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Needtobreathe, "Washed by the Water"
AUGUST:
What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?
cause...
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.
I am giving up for you,
I am giving up.
Ingrid Michaelson, "Giving Up"
SEPTEMBER:
I've seen love go by my door
It's never been this close before
Never been so easy or so slow.
Been shooting in the dark too long
When somethin's not right it's wrong
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.
Dragon clouds so high above
I've only known careless love,
It's always hit me from below.
This time around it's more correct
Right on target, so direct,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.
Purple clover, Queen Anne lace,
Crimson hair across your face,
You could make me cry if you don't know.
Can't remember what I was thinkin' of
You might be spoilin' me too much, love,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.
Flowers on the hillside, bloomin' crazy,
Crickets talkin' back and forth in rhyme,
Blue river runnin' slow and lazy,
I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time.
Situations have ended sad,
Relationships have all been bad.
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud.
But there's no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go
Madeleine Peyroux's cover of Bob Dylan, "You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go"
Another day goes by, it goes by.
Still I am far away
From your side, from your side.
And oh my heart, how it aches sometimes
It aches sometimes
And though we're apart
I've got you on my mind.
The end of this road
You'll never know, you'll never know.
And all that we have
We'll never hold, we'll never hold
And somedays I, just can't seem to find
Seem to find
Not a single way
To get you off my mind.
You're on my mind
You're on my mind
You're on my mind.
The Beautiful Girls, "When I Had You With Me"
OCTOBER:
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken heart
Ingrid Michaelson, "Be OK"
Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I say i don't love you
Just hold on love
So my head gets a little cloudy
And the drink goes straight to my heart
The the words come like a runaway train
In the dark
Just hold on love
Even when I scream and fight
Even when I swear i don't love you
Just hold on tight
And when the darkness falls over
Like a storm cloud in my head
Something inside says it's easier
To push you away but stay and
Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I swear i don't love you
Just hold on love
Just hold on love
Just hold on love
Azure Ray, "Hold On Love"
Godspeed to you,
Keep the lighthouse in sight.
Jenny Lewis, "Godspeed"
NOVEMBER:
My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
Third Day, "Revelation"
I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down
Nickel Creek, "When You Come Back Down"
Someday I'll be good,
Someday I'll be good for you
Well someday I'll run right out of it all
And right into you
Justin Hopkins, "Someday"
DECEMBER:
I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad.
Mindy Smith, "Down in Flames"
Don't give up on me
...It's never too late for reaching out
When things can't be perfect
And everyone starts to doubt
Oh don't give up on me.
Neal Carpenter, "Don't Give Up On Me"
Last night I took the long way home
Clearing my head in the car, all alone
I saw a man walking down the road,
And I could have sworn it was you.
It took me back to the way it was,
Falling for you 'neath the stars up above,
I was an innocent girl looking for true love,
And I could have sworn it was you.
Annie Parsons, "I Could Have Sworn It Was You"
One thought, has me turning back
A dozen point the other way
We act upon desire
To reach your hand for higher
And patience isn't worth the wait
You've got knives in your eyes
You would be happy not to change your mind
I can't defend you truly
When I worry about smoke instead of putting out the fire
And if we work it out
Chances are bound we'd be standing around
For no one's better sake
Good-bye
Little Joy, "No One's Better Sake"
Keep your eyes on the prize
Don't be dismayed
Don't be dismayed
Deep in your heart
You must believe
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Someday.
Hans Zimmer, Green Card sountrack, "Eyes on the Prize"
JANUARY:
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
Yael Naim, "New Soul"
FEBRUARY:
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain
And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around
But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day
Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
...
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.
Caedmon's Call, "Table for Two"
MARCH:
Its time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, it's time to get going
Tom Petty, "Time to Move On"
But I, I think I've tried to make the best of it
So why would you chastise me for the rest of it?
Escaping and capering to some far off place seems like the grace I need;
I've made a ladder out of confused gray matter and tied up bedroom sheets
I'm leaving this place, I'm going to outer space.
My song, "Outer Space"
APRIL:
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
...
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
...
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault.
Alanis Morissette, "Head Over Feet"
Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter's over: be my darling
It's been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone!
Josh Ritter, "Snow is Gone"
Gotta spend some time, love
Gotta spend some time with me
Gotta spend some time, love
I will possess your heart.
Death Cab for Cutie, "I Will Possess Your Heart"
MAY:
Kiss me once, kiss me twice
Kiss me once again
It's been a long, long time.
Keely Smith, "It's Been A Long, Long Time"
For being brave and following when I ran away,
For showing me that trusting you might just be safe,
For knowing when to kiss me and when to stop and pray
I think I should thank you.
For seeing me as the woman that I want to be,
For recognizing the girl that is simply me,
For letting go and holding on and being free,
I think I should thank you.
For having the respect to treat me honestly,
For fighting to be the man that he's asked you to be,
For thinking of my heart when you are on your knees,
I think I should thank you.
My song, "Thank You"
JUNE:
Freedom is ours to hold
It's just a struggle in your mind to keep your soul
Keep your soul
Beautiful Girls, "Freedom (Part 2)"
Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on
I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
The Weepies, "The World Spins Madly On"
I’ve seen my future slip through my hands
Watched the wind whip through desert sands
Then I remember I’m no ordinary man and I’m
Going somewhere
Going somewhere
Colin Hay, "Going Somewhere"
JULY:
And I ask you, friend, what's a fella to do
'Cause her hair was black and her eyes were blue
So I took her hand and I gave her a twirl
And I lost my heart to a Galway girl
The Town Pants, "Galway Girl"
You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free
Tom Petty, "Wildflowers"
Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Needtobreathe, "Washed by the Water"
AUGUST:
What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?
What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?
cause...
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.
I am giving up for you,
I am giving up.
Ingrid Michaelson, "Giving Up"
SEPTEMBER:
I've seen love go by my door
It's never been this close before
Never been so easy or so slow.
Been shooting in the dark too long
When somethin's not right it's wrong
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.
Dragon clouds so high above
I've only known careless love,
It's always hit me from below.
This time around it's more correct
Right on target, so direct,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.
Purple clover, Queen Anne lace,
Crimson hair across your face,
You could make me cry if you don't know.
Can't remember what I was thinkin' of
You might be spoilin' me too much, love,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.
Flowers on the hillside, bloomin' crazy,
Crickets talkin' back and forth in rhyme,
Blue river runnin' slow and lazy,
I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time.
Situations have ended sad,
Relationships have all been bad.
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud.
But there's no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go
Madeleine Peyroux's cover of Bob Dylan, "You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go"
Another day goes by, it goes by.
Still I am far away
From your side, from your side.
And oh my heart, how it aches sometimes
It aches sometimes
And though we're apart
I've got you on my mind.
The end of this road
You'll never know, you'll never know.
And all that we have
We'll never hold, we'll never hold
And somedays I, just can't seem to find
Seem to find
Not a single way
To get you off my mind.
You're on my mind
You're on my mind
You're on my mind.
The Beautiful Girls, "When I Had You With Me"
OCTOBER:
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken heart
Ingrid Michaelson, "Be OK"
Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I say i don't love you
Just hold on love
So my head gets a little cloudy
And the drink goes straight to my heart
The the words come like a runaway train
In the dark
Just hold on love
Even when I scream and fight
Even when I swear i don't love you
Just hold on tight
And when the darkness falls over
Like a storm cloud in my head
Something inside says it's easier
To push you away but stay and
Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I swear i don't love you
Just hold on love
Just hold on love
Just hold on love
Azure Ray, "Hold On Love"
Godspeed to you,
Keep the lighthouse in sight.
Jenny Lewis, "Godspeed"
NOVEMBER:
My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
Third Day, "Revelation"
I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down
Nickel Creek, "When You Come Back Down"
Someday I'll be good,
Someday I'll be good for you
Well someday I'll run right out of it all
And right into you
Justin Hopkins, "Someday"
DECEMBER:
I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad.
Mindy Smith, "Down in Flames"
Don't give up on me
...It's never too late for reaching out
When things can't be perfect
And everyone starts to doubt
Oh don't give up on me.
Neal Carpenter, "Don't Give Up On Me"
Last night I took the long way home
Clearing my head in the car, all alone
I saw a man walking down the road,
And I could have sworn it was you.
It took me back to the way it was,
Falling for you 'neath the stars up above,
I was an innocent girl looking for true love,
And I could have sworn it was you.
Annie Parsons, "I Could Have Sworn It Was You"
One thought, has me turning back
A dozen point the other way
We act upon desire
To reach your hand for higher
And patience isn't worth the wait
You've got knives in your eyes
You would be happy not to change your mind
I can't defend you truly
When I worry about smoke instead of putting out the fire
And if we work it out
Chances are bound we'd be standing around
For no one's better sake
Good-bye
Little Joy, "No One's Better Sake"
Keep your eyes on the prize
Don't be dismayed
Don't be dismayed
Deep in your heart
You must believe
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Someday.
Hans Zimmer, Green Card sountrack, "Eyes on the Prize"
Aug 14, 2008
Climbing out of the Skin
In the last several days, I have had at least five different conversations with five different people about fearing the beast that is failure. That was topped off by an article I read in the paper this morning about the Chinese's take on winning medals at the Olympics. Look at this snippet:
"China has staked its honor on these Games. It seems as if so much of its self-esteem is tied up in gold. Not silver. Not bronze.
Just gold.
The Chinese government will pay its athletes bonuses for gold medals. It has been reported that gold-medal winners on the table-tennis team will make $25,000 in bonuses.
...It's now a world where silver is considered failure.
Chinese swimmer Zhang Li won a silver earlier this week in an impressive race in the 400-meter freestyle, but reacted without joy. He never smiled during the medal ceremony. And when the winner, Korean Taehwan Park, pulled him into the pictures that the photographers demanded after the medal ceremony, Zhang sadly stared at their lenses with his disappointment.
Silver doesn't spend."
What is going on here? What is this world that we have arrived at, where a Silver Olympic Medal equates, as Iceman would put it, "A plaque in the ladies' room"?
In one of the books we're reading for grad school, there's a chapter about helping your students develop a healthy self-concept. The chapter talked about how, in our society, we have become increasingly award-focused, looking to all kinds of external evidence to prove our merit as students, and beyond that as human beings. We win with trophies, we succeed with A's, we flex with fancy career titles. Would anyone disagree that the standard measure of American success is judged by education level, job title, economic status, the appearance of family cohesiveness, and good looks? I mean... that sums it up, doesn't it? You give someone a quick once-over: yeah. They look good. They look successful.
The problem is, our happiness as a country has been shown to plummet since the 1950's--starting with Eisenhower's push to increase consumerism as a National value. It began as an effort to boost the economy after World War II, but the unstoppable progression of this national materialistic philosophy has damaged us in all kinds of ways.
We equate value with stuff. We define success with trophies. We need approval to be happy.
And Silver doesn't cut it.
This grad school book's implied answer to all that-- well, some of that-- was to develop an individually healthy self-concept-- an understanding of yourself that remains positive outside of what others think of you. The chapter warned against us only rewarding students with tangible trophies and compliments-- if they're never discovering the worth of what they're doing on their OWN-- will they ever? It talked about developing an intrinsic motivation in these students where, even if the possibility of a reward is taken away, the student is still motivated to learn and try.
In this context, mistakes are okay because you can learn from them.
Achieving a personal best is better than getting the best grade in the class.
The process is more important than the end result.
You can be imperfect and still be acceptable.
You can be imperfect and still be acceptable.
This last bit-- the desire to be perfect-- screws us up in all KINDS of ways I'm realizing. Women run into this all the time-- bodily dissatisfaction among females is considered a "normative condition" among psychologists. (I can't link to that one because I read that fact in a psychological study and I can't remember what study it was.) We generally process something along the lines of the following check-list: Is our hair thick enough? Are our eyes big enough? Are our lashes long enough? Are we thin enough? Are our legs long enough? How are our ankles? How are our toes? How toned are our stomachs? Are our boobs the right size? Is our hair the right color? Are our hands the right size? Are our noses shaped right?
If the answer to any one of those questions is a negative one, we have WORK to do. And the cosmetics industry has every product imaginable to help us fix it. Because: we need to be perfect.
The expectation for perfection is HUGE in relationships as well. We want happily ever after, and soul mates. We want to find The One, and we expect that once we do, we'll be complete. We grow up on this, but what honest relationship lives up to it? What kind of human can live up to it? If we try, the expectation eventually crushes us.
Say you have a dude that wants approval; that wants to be loved. Say he tries to be a hero and earn it.
Then say you have a girl who's been hurt and wants safety. Say she wants a rescuer.
Say the dude finds the girl, and she needs him. He rescues her, and she gives him approval. Two incomplete people almost-- almost-- can provide the other with what they need.
Then say the girl grows into herself; she becomes stronger, she becomes confident.
Say the guy isn't feeling that heroism anymore, and has lost out on his daily dose of approval.
Say the guy makes mistakes, like forgetting to pay the bills one month. Say he feels pressure from the girl to not let her down.
Say that they begin hiding things from each other, because they can't be perfect, and so the pretense grows and grows until it crushes them.
We can't be perfect. We can't get everything we need from each other.
And if we can't, then we will always fail at some point. And what's worse, we will inevitably let someone down.
But where does that leave us? Our culture is not a culture that accepts failure gracefully. True, we may still congratulate our athletes for getting Silver medals, but I would say that, overall, our national attitude is geared towards perfection.
So how do we handle that then? Does it start with having a self-concept that is tied to something other than external rewards, than human approval?
This is the picture in my head. I picture myself in these shadows with this skin on, and the skin wants rewards I can show people, that wants approval, that wants another human being to complete me, and that wants to complete another human being. And I picture myself wriggling out of that skin like it's a clingy, damp wet suit. And once I finally get done wriggling, and pulling, and hopping around until I'm out of it,
I step into a lit pool of grace.
I am alone, and bare, and shivering, and I am human. Every single one of my flaws is lit up in that pool. But as soon as they're brought to light, they begin to fade.
I am whole there. I am shown absolute approval for that trembling self. The skin is tossed away, and I am literally washed clean.
I really think this is the only way to get out of it. I think it's the only way to be content, to feel whole, to be okay with being imperfect. I know it has a lot to do with psychology too-- with getting to the place where you can acknowledge the merit of the journey even if it doesn't reap a reward. But even then, understanding your wholeness first is necessary-- if you're whole OUTSIDE that reward, you can see how great the journey was. If you're not whole without the reward, then the journey was worthless.
And being out of that skin means we can be in relationships with one another as people. As just people. I started writing a song once, that tried to get at this idea. The chorus goes:
It's just women and men trying here,
And none of us whole:
We're either dangerous pretense,
Or scared naked souls.
I'm not enough to complete you,
But I'll do what I can
To give you the best of my heart
With a steady hand.
I want to be a teacher that allows mistakes, and encourages the process, and loves students for their hearts and effort, not just their accomplishments. I want to be a girlfriend, and eventually a wife that is open about my weaknesses, and who sees my partner as simply a man, as-- I hope-- an HONEST man. I want to be a human that is whole not because of what I do, or who I am, but because I am loved by a Savior that took care of the perfection part already.
That is the self I want to live in.
"China has staked its honor on these Games. It seems as if so much of its self-esteem is tied up in gold. Not silver. Not bronze.
Just gold.
The Chinese government will pay its athletes bonuses for gold medals. It has been reported that gold-medal winners on the table-tennis team will make $25,000 in bonuses.
...It's now a world where silver is considered failure.
Chinese swimmer Zhang Li won a silver earlier this week in an impressive race in the 400-meter freestyle, but reacted without joy. He never smiled during the medal ceremony. And when the winner, Korean Taehwan Park, pulled him into the pictures that the photographers demanded after the medal ceremony, Zhang sadly stared at their lenses with his disappointment.
Silver doesn't spend."
What is going on here? What is this world that we have arrived at, where a Silver Olympic Medal equates, as Iceman would put it, "A plaque in the ladies' room"?
In one of the books we're reading for grad school, there's a chapter about helping your students develop a healthy self-concept. The chapter talked about how, in our society, we have become increasingly award-focused, looking to all kinds of external evidence to prove our merit as students, and beyond that as human beings. We win with trophies, we succeed with A's, we flex with fancy career titles. Would anyone disagree that the standard measure of American success is judged by education level, job title, economic status, the appearance of family cohesiveness, and good looks? I mean... that sums it up, doesn't it? You give someone a quick once-over: yeah. They look good. They look successful.
The problem is, our happiness as a country has been shown to plummet since the 1950's--starting with Eisenhower's push to increase consumerism as a National value. It began as an effort to boost the economy after World War II, but the unstoppable progression of this national materialistic philosophy has damaged us in all kinds of ways.
We equate value with stuff. We define success with trophies. We need approval to be happy.
And Silver doesn't cut it.
This grad school book's implied answer to all that-- well, some of that-- was to develop an individually healthy self-concept-- an understanding of yourself that remains positive outside of what others think of you. The chapter warned against us only rewarding students with tangible trophies and compliments-- if they're never discovering the worth of what they're doing on their OWN-- will they ever? It talked about developing an intrinsic motivation in these students where, even if the possibility of a reward is taken away, the student is still motivated to learn and try.
In this context, mistakes are okay because you can learn from them.
Achieving a personal best is better than getting the best grade in the class.
The process is more important than the end result.
You can be imperfect and still be acceptable.
You can be imperfect and still be acceptable.
This last bit-- the desire to be perfect-- screws us up in all KINDS of ways I'm realizing. Women run into this all the time-- bodily dissatisfaction among females is considered a "normative condition" among psychologists. (I can't link to that one because I read that fact in a psychological study and I can't remember what study it was.) We generally process something along the lines of the following check-list: Is our hair thick enough? Are our eyes big enough? Are our lashes long enough? Are we thin enough? Are our legs long enough? How are our ankles? How are our toes? How toned are our stomachs? Are our boobs the right size? Is our hair the right color? Are our hands the right size? Are our noses shaped right?
If the answer to any one of those questions is a negative one, we have WORK to do. And the cosmetics industry has every product imaginable to help us fix it. Because: we need to be perfect.
The expectation for perfection is HUGE in relationships as well. We want happily ever after, and soul mates. We want to find The One, and we expect that once we do, we'll be complete. We grow up on this, but what honest relationship lives up to it? What kind of human can live up to it? If we try, the expectation eventually crushes us.
Say you have a dude that wants approval; that wants to be loved. Say he tries to be a hero and earn it.
Then say you have a girl who's been hurt and wants safety. Say she wants a rescuer.
Say the dude finds the girl, and she needs him. He rescues her, and she gives him approval. Two incomplete people almost-- almost-- can provide the other with what they need.
Then say the girl grows into herself; she becomes stronger, she becomes confident.
Say the guy isn't feeling that heroism anymore, and has lost out on his daily dose of approval.
Say the guy makes mistakes, like forgetting to pay the bills one month. Say he feels pressure from the girl to not let her down.
Say that they begin hiding things from each other, because they can't be perfect, and so the pretense grows and grows until it crushes them.
We can't be perfect. We can't get everything we need from each other.
And if we can't, then we will always fail at some point. And what's worse, we will inevitably let someone down.
But where does that leave us? Our culture is not a culture that accepts failure gracefully. True, we may still congratulate our athletes for getting Silver medals, but I would say that, overall, our national attitude is geared towards perfection.
So how do we handle that then? Does it start with having a self-concept that is tied to something other than external rewards, than human approval?
This is the picture in my head. I picture myself in these shadows with this skin on, and the skin wants rewards I can show people, that wants approval, that wants another human being to complete me, and that wants to complete another human being. And I picture myself wriggling out of that skin like it's a clingy, damp wet suit. And once I finally get done wriggling, and pulling, and hopping around until I'm out of it,
I step into a lit pool of grace.
I am alone, and bare, and shivering, and I am human. Every single one of my flaws is lit up in that pool. But as soon as they're brought to light, they begin to fade.
I am whole there. I am shown absolute approval for that trembling self. The skin is tossed away, and I am literally washed clean.
I really think this is the only way to get out of it. I think it's the only way to be content, to feel whole, to be okay with being imperfect. I know it has a lot to do with psychology too-- with getting to the place where you can acknowledge the merit of the journey even if it doesn't reap a reward. But even then, understanding your wholeness first is necessary-- if you're whole OUTSIDE that reward, you can see how great the journey was. If you're not whole without the reward, then the journey was worthless.
And being out of that skin means we can be in relationships with one another as people. As just people. I started writing a song once, that tried to get at this idea. The chorus goes:
It's just women and men trying here,
And none of us whole:
We're either dangerous pretense,
Or scared naked souls.
I'm not enough to complete you,
But I'll do what I can
To give you the best of my heart
With a steady hand.
I want to be a teacher that allows mistakes, and encourages the process, and loves students for their hearts and effort, not just their accomplishments. I want to be a girlfriend, and eventually a wife that is open about my weaknesses, and who sees my partner as simply a man, as-- I hope-- an HONEST man. I want to be a human that is whole not because of what I do, or who I am, but because I am loved by a Savior that took care of the perfection part already.
That is the self I want to live in.
Aug 10, 2008
?
Ack, a disclaimer, if you're transferring to this blog from Annie's blog, this is probably NOT the entry you want to read, go read the one before, go read "From the Traveling Archives," because that's much more in the funny stinky cheese vein than this one. If I could figure out how to temporarily pull this blog, I would, but I can't figure out how to do that without deleting it altogether. So-- read at your own risk I suppose. Or just read the one before. --Greta
I wrote a new song, and I liked it, and I used guitar parts that were completely different than anything I've played before, and I was excited about this new song and so I sent it to a few people. I sent it to a new friend because he's a good guitar player, and I wanted to share the guitar parts with someone who would understand about different guitar parts. He just called, but it was late so I didn't answer, but he left a message and in the message he said:
"I got your song. I really liked it. It was really sad. But I liked it."
And I suddenly remembered just how sad the song is, because it's about the hard things that have been happening, and I suddenly felt embarrassed because who wants to voluntarily accept that into their life? And I'd forgotten about how sad it is, because I've been practicing the new song so much, and working on the new guitar parts, so even though I sing the lyrics often, I've become somewhat detached, which is a good thing, because I sing about these sad things and the more I do, the less power they have over me, which is a good thing. But I'd forgotten that this new friend hasn't heard the song as often as I've sung it, and probably doesn't know that even though some things are really hard, I'm also still in a good mood a lot of the time. And I felt silly for sending it and embarrassed that I asked him to listen to these big words, when really I just wanted him to tell me that he liked the guitar parts. And then I felt embarrassed for sending it at all, because I suppose in a way I was fishing for a compliment, even if it was mainly just wanting to share a new discovery with a friend, but it probably seemed like fishing for a compliment, and that made me feel embarrassed.
And I wonder, I guess, if my life is just too sad for people right now, because I know that when friends are being good friends, they step in and they say, "I'm here for whatever you need," but some weights are big, and some times are just not convenient for other people to step in and help lift them, even if they say, "In the middle of the night, WHENEVER." And I don't want to ask people to do that if they're saying those things mostly to show that they love me, because actually asking them to "BE THERE" is a really big thing to ask. And even though I really like this new song, and I want to play it for people, and I was planning on playing it at the open mic near my house, I worry that every time I play it, people will think, "Wow. This girl's life sucks. She is really sad. I don't know if I want to be around someone with that kind of sadness."
And I'm writing this on this blog, and I feel embarrassed to splatter this all over this blog, because people read this blog from cities that I don't know people in, and maybe you'll think I'm a basket case, and what is wrong with our generation that we would be comfortable splattering our innermost thoughts and emotions on a publicly accessed internet site?? and why would I want to participate in something like that, and if what I'm worried about is sharing too much, then WHY AM I SHARING SO MUCH?
I think I want to know that people will still be there. I think I want to know that I'm not too much. I think I want to know that I'm not too sad. I want people to hear this song, and to be able to just enjoy it, and I feel embarrassed that I'm sad but I really like the words in this song, and I think it's a good song.
It's not healthy to ask for validation from strangers. And I know and comprehend, truly, that I am taken care of by an amazing Friend who is omnipresent, and ever so patient with my sighs and questions and grins and weepings, and that really is sufficiently sustaining. So. So I don't even know if I want comments on this blog, because they might make me feel embarrassed again that I've splattered and that I've leaned on people that maybe weren't asking for it, but if there are no comments, that might make me feel embarrassed too, that I'm too much, and quick go to another website, go to a funny blog, and no comments sort of leaves La Vie D'une Fille on an island and just silly in a way that isn't fun. And I'm good at being on islands, but I think I'd like company too, because I just want to hope that I'm not too much.
So?
What.
This is me. For better or worse. And I like this new song. And I think I'll sing it at the open mic, and I just won't tell them it's autobiographical, and if they figure out that it is, and it's too much for them, then they don't have to talk to me afterwards. And if this new friend thinks it's too much, then that's okay too because this is me. For better or worse. And all I can be in this moment is that.
So.
I'll sing my song.
I wrote a new song, and I liked it, and I used guitar parts that were completely different than anything I've played before, and I was excited about this new song and so I sent it to a few people. I sent it to a new friend because he's a good guitar player, and I wanted to share the guitar parts with someone who would understand about different guitar parts. He just called, but it was late so I didn't answer, but he left a message and in the message he said:
"I got your song. I really liked it. It was really sad. But I liked it."
And I suddenly remembered just how sad the song is, because it's about the hard things that have been happening, and I suddenly felt embarrassed because who wants to voluntarily accept that into their life? And I'd forgotten about how sad it is, because I've been practicing the new song so much, and working on the new guitar parts, so even though I sing the lyrics often, I've become somewhat detached, which is a good thing, because I sing about these sad things and the more I do, the less power they have over me, which is a good thing. But I'd forgotten that this new friend hasn't heard the song as often as I've sung it, and probably doesn't know that even though some things are really hard, I'm also still in a good mood a lot of the time. And I felt silly for sending it and embarrassed that I asked him to listen to these big words, when really I just wanted him to tell me that he liked the guitar parts. And then I felt embarrassed for sending it at all, because I suppose in a way I was fishing for a compliment, even if it was mainly just wanting to share a new discovery with a friend, but it probably seemed like fishing for a compliment, and that made me feel embarrassed.
And I wonder, I guess, if my life is just too sad for people right now, because I know that when friends are being good friends, they step in and they say, "I'm here for whatever you need," but some weights are big, and some times are just not convenient for other people to step in and help lift them, even if they say, "In the middle of the night, WHENEVER." And I don't want to ask people to do that if they're saying those things mostly to show that they love me, because actually asking them to "BE THERE" is a really big thing to ask. And even though I really like this new song, and I want to play it for people, and I was planning on playing it at the open mic near my house, I worry that every time I play it, people will think, "Wow. This girl's life sucks. She is really sad. I don't know if I want to be around someone with that kind of sadness."
And I'm writing this on this blog, and I feel embarrassed to splatter this all over this blog, because people read this blog from cities that I don't know people in, and maybe you'll think I'm a basket case, and what is wrong with our generation that we would be comfortable splattering our innermost thoughts and emotions on a publicly accessed internet site?? and why would I want to participate in something like that, and if what I'm worried about is sharing too much, then WHY AM I SHARING SO MUCH?
I think I want to know that people will still be there. I think I want to know that I'm not too much. I think I want to know that I'm not too sad. I want people to hear this song, and to be able to just enjoy it, and I feel embarrassed that I'm sad but I really like the words in this song, and I think it's a good song.
It's not healthy to ask for validation from strangers. And I know and comprehend, truly, that I am taken care of by an amazing Friend who is omnipresent, and ever so patient with my sighs and questions and grins and weepings, and that really is sufficiently sustaining. So. So I don't even know if I want comments on this blog, because they might make me feel embarrassed again that I've splattered and that I've leaned on people that maybe weren't asking for it, but if there are no comments, that might make me feel embarrassed too, that I'm too much, and quick go to another website, go to a funny blog, and no comments sort of leaves La Vie D'une Fille on an island and just silly in a way that isn't fun. And I'm good at being on islands, but I think I'd like company too, because I just want to hope that I'm not too much.
So?
What.
This is me. For better or worse. And I like this new song. And I think I'll sing it at the open mic, and I just won't tell them it's autobiographical, and if they figure out that it is, and it's too much for them, then they don't have to talk to me afterwards. And if this new friend thinks it's too much, then that's okay too because this is me. For better or worse. And all I can be in this moment is that.
So.
I'll sing my song.
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