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Ack, a disclaimer, if you're transferring to this blog from Annie's blog, this is probably NOT the entry you want to read, go read the one before, go read "From the Traveling Archives," because that's much more in the funny stinky cheese vein than this one. If I could figure out how to temporarily pull this blog, I would, but I can't figure out how to do that without deleting it altogether. So-- read at your own risk I suppose. Or just read the one before. --Greta

I wrote a new song, and I liked it, and I used guitar parts that were completely different than anything I've played before, and I was excited about this new song and so I sent it to a few people. I sent it to a new friend because he's a good guitar player, and I wanted to share the guitar parts with someone who would understand about different guitar parts. He just called, but it was late so I didn't answer, but he left a message and in the message he said:

"I got your song. I really liked it. It was really sad. But I liked it."

And I suddenly remembered just how sad the song is, because it's about the hard things that have been happening, and I suddenly felt embarrassed because who wants to voluntarily accept that into their life? And I'd forgotten about how sad it is, because I've been practicing the new song so much, and working on the new guitar parts, so even though I sing the lyrics often, I've become somewhat detached, which is a good thing, because I sing about these sad things and the more I do, the less power they have over me, which is a good thing. But I'd forgotten that this new friend hasn't heard the song as often as I've sung it, and probably doesn't know that even though some things are really hard, I'm also still in a good mood a lot of the time. And I felt silly for sending it and embarrassed that I asked him to listen to these big words, when really I just wanted him to tell me that he liked the guitar parts. And then I felt embarrassed for sending it at all, because I suppose in a way I was fishing for a compliment, even if it was mainly just wanting to share a new discovery with a friend, but it probably seemed like fishing for a compliment, and that made me feel embarrassed.

And I wonder, I guess, if my life is just too sad for people right now, because I know that when friends are being good friends, they step in and they say, "I'm here for whatever you need," but some weights are big, and some times are just not convenient for other people to step in and help lift them, even if they say, "In the middle of the night, WHENEVER." And I don't want to ask people to do that if they're saying those things mostly to show that they love me, because actually asking them to "BE THERE" is a really big thing to ask. And even though I really like this new song, and I want to play it for people, and I was planning on playing it at the open mic near my house, I worry that every time I play it, people will think, "Wow. This girl's life sucks. She is really sad. I don't know if I want to be around someone with that kind of sadness."

And I'm writing this on this blog, and I feel embarrassed to splatter this all over this blog, because people read this blog from cities that I don't know people in, and maybe you'll think I'm a basket case, and what is wrong with our generation that we would be comfortable splattering our innermost thoughts and emotions on a publicly accessed internet site?? and why would I want to participate in something like that, and if what I'm worried about is sharing too much, then WHY AM I SHARING SO MUCH?

I think I want to know that people will still be there. I think I want to know that I'm not too much. I think I want to know that I'm not too sad. I want people to hear this song, and to be able to just enjoy it, and I feel embarrassed that I'm sad but I really like the words in this song, and I think it's a good song.

It's not healthy to ask for validation from strangers. And I know and comprehend, truly, that I am taken care of by an amazing Friend who is omnipresent, and ever so patient with my sighs and questions and grins and weepings, and that really is sufficiently sustaining. So. So I don't even know if I want comments on this blog, because they might make me feel embarrassed again that I've splattered and that I've leaned on people that maybe weren't asking for it, but if there are no comments, that might make me feel embarrassed too, that I'm too much, and quick go to another website, go to a funny blog, and no comments sort of leaves La Vie D'une Fille on an island and just silly in a way that isn't fun. And I'm good at being on islands, but I think I'd like company too, because I just want to hope that I'm not too much.

So?

What.

This is me. For better or worse. And I like this new song. And I think I'll sing it at the open mic, and I just won't tell them it's autobiographical, and if they figure out that it is, and it's too much for them, then they don't have to talk to me afterwards. And if this new friend thinks it's too much, then that's okay too because this is me. For better or worse. And all I can be in this moment is that.

So.

I'll sing my song.