From the Traveling Archives

A bit of humor for you, via a silly evening in Nice with some Aussie boys that never made it onto the blog. Enjoy!

Setting: In our Nice (but not really nice) hostel room, which is almost entirely taken up by four bunks. Heidi and I are both in top bunks, our Irish lassies are both in bottom bunks. Lorna's bottom bunk is RIGHT by the bathroom door. There is one open window looking out onto the street.

Adrian: (Adrian is absolutely gorgeous, sweet-tempered, tall, tan, bright blue eyes. He stumbles in. Looks around drunkenly.) Oh... everyone's here. Hi... girls.
Chris: (Chris is short, with a good body, very tan, spry; cute but not gorgeous. He comes in chipper.) Hiii ladies! Here's the birthday boy! Come on Adrian. Let's change and let's go.
Adrian: (Leans against my bunk.) I'm a bit... sorry girls... I'm a bit rubbish.
Chris: Here's your water. Drink up. You'll be fine mate!
Adrian: I'm not... I'm... (Smiles weakly at me.) So sorry...
Greta: Don't apologize Adrian, you're fine!
Chris: Right then! Drink your water mate. You can do it!
Adrian: I don't think I can... I think... (Lowers his head between his folded arms on my bunk.) Unnngh....
Chris: (Cheerfully.) He's had a bit too many. That's alright. It's your birthday!
Adrian: So... embarrassed. It's only 10:30...
Greta: Don't worry about it, they can totally sneak up on you.
Chris: C'mon mate. We're going back out. I need to change my shirt... (Starts rummaging through pack.) I've lost so many t-shirts on this trip! Come on mate. You'll be fine. We'll just keep bringing you water!
Adrian: It's not like water is the...Savior...of all....Unngghhhh....
Greta: How you doing?
Adrian: (Smiles weakly.) What's-- what's your name again?
Greta: It's Greta.
Adrian: That's right-- I-- unnghhh-- excuse me-- (Goes to bathroom quickly, shuts door.)
Chris: You a'right mate? That's good, puke it up, room for more! (Grins triumphantly at us girls.) I've lost so many t-shirts on this trip! (Strips off his current one. Puts on a blue NY one.)
Greta: Chris, I think that is an EXCELLENT t-shirt.
Chris: Really?
Greta: That is an amazing t-shirt.
Chris: (Looks at me skeptically.) Naaah... (Strips it off.) This one better? I don't like NY anyway!
Greta: Oh, I was teasing you Chris, it really was a fine t-shirt!
Heidi: They're both good.
Chris: Which do you like better? Blue? Or green?
Heidi: Umm... both. But the green a tiny bit more. What's it say?
Chris: Erm, it says, uh... Mossimo... WARRIORS! Hunh! (Flexes and grunts.) Come on mate! (Goes and knocks on bathroom door.) Come on. Let's go.
Adrian: (Inaudible moaning)
Chris: Should I come in? You want me to? Sh, ladies, shh, it's alright, this is gentlemen stuff. (Grins and postures, waggles his eyebrows. Backs into the bathroom, shushing and posturing.) Sh, ladies-- just one mo'--
Adrian: (Groaning)
Chris: We'll get you water. Come on mate. Puke it up and let's go. (Pause-- moaning.) You're alright. It's your birthday.
Adrian: (LOUD SUDDEN RETCHING.)
Chris: Oohhh...
Adrian: (RETCHING. VIOLENT SOUNDS OF RETCHING.)
Chris: It's your birthday.
Adrian: (Coughs. More retching.)
Chris: (Comes out of bathroom cheerfully.) Well, he's not going anywhere! Here's the rubbish bin, just in case he, you know, needs a little help. He's havin' a poo. You know-- UNNGGHHH! (Mimes pooping. Grins delightedly.) Unnggh! Havin' a poo. Lots of trouble. UNNGH! (Dances around the room, "pooing.")
Heidi: We're sorry for being noisy last night-- we hope we didn't wake you up!
Chris: What?? No. You didn't at all! You must have been- like-- TIP TOEING! Sh! And lookin' over your shoulder-- sh! And-- oh! (Starts to climb up Heidi's bunk and pauses dramatically, looking over his shoulder.) Oh! Shh! And oh! Tip toeing! (Swings back down.) Come on, you girls should come out.
Greta: We have to catch an early train...
Heidi: We have to be up by 7:15.
Chris: What time? I'm going to set my alarm. Yours will go off. Then- mine. 7:15. DONE.
Laragh: What about us? We don't want to wake up so early.
Chris: Aaaah! Hi! What's your name?
Laragh: Laragh.
Chris: Laura! And you?
Lorna: Lorna.
Chris: You Irish? Look at your book!! (Lorna is reading Danielle Steele.) That's too many pages.
Lorna: Yea, Irish, yea.
Chris: I'm Irish!! Well, Australian. But Irish heritage! And Cuddles is Irish.
Laragh: Who's Cuddles?
Chris: Oh-- the other Chris. Two of us. But-- we call him Cuddles cause he's a bit chubby. (Looks over at me. Gasps.) What??? (Comes over close, peers right into my face.) You're... gorgeous!!
Greta: Thank you...
Chris: (To Heidi) She's... GORGEOUS!
Heidi: I know, she IS!
Chris: (Looks back at me. Shakes his head.) Wow. You're. Bloody gorgeous. Gosh.
Heidi: You should really turn your alarm off, you don't need to kill yourself getting up early for our sakes.
Chris: No! I've got it! What time again? 10:15?
Heidi: (Pauses.) Yes.
Laragh: Quarter to eleven.
Chris: What?
Heidi: Quarter to twelve.
Chris: Nooo... I've just been to Italy, I see Pinocchio noses on all o' you! (Friends yell at him from the street below.) Excuse me ladies-- (yells out window) STOP BEIN' SO LOUD, SOME OF US ARE TRYIN' TO SLEEP!!! (Looks at us, delighted.) Someone got me drunk! Don't know how it happened. I should get goin'. Night ladies!! (Leaves.)
Adrian: (Has been loudly retching this whole time. Finally-- after about 10 minutes-- he exits the bathroom and swings precariously from the bathroom door. Lorna reels from the smell. Adrian is an absolute mess, pants undone, incapacitated. Stumbles to bed in his cowboy boots and passes out.)

The end. :)