June 16th-ish, over the years

Got this idea from Ginger. Dug up my old journals, found the entries as close to June 16th as I could find... and voila. The amusing result:

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June ?, 2000 (age 16)

Now, the "afterglow" of the break-up has worn off HARDCORE. I wanted him to figure things out, but did he have to figure them out so FAST? And I'm so lonely all over again. And now they're happy together. I miss him. And he's so over me. But there's nothing I can do except get over him now. Because I know that he won't be coming back to me. But there's nothing I can do about it. A chapter has ended.

Melodramatic sob. This is in reference, by the way, to a relationship that lasted 2.5 weeks.

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June-ish, 2001 (age 17)

I'm not sure which is worse: witnessing the failures of those you love, or having those you love witness YOURS. If only everything were as easy as hoping it. They say, "Where there's a will, there's a way." But whose will are they talking about? And why is it that the WAY is up rocky mountains and through aching valleys?

If only things were as simple as we imagined they'd be in childhood. How can I be so old? I know 17 is young in the eyes of the world, but it seems eons away from the soul I had ten years ago. I hate the things that forced me to grow up; yet what would I be without them?

What do I have of real value? What about me is real, and what only pretense? Why do I have what others do not? Why am I who I am? Why this face, this family, this line of circumstances? What is there? What could have been if I had? What might have been if I hadn't? Is this the best I could have done?

The 25-year-old English teacher in me is thrilled to discover that, not only was I asking deep and probing questions in my high-school journal entries, I was also correctly using semi-colons.

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June-ish, 2002 (age 18)

Yikes... this one's ugly. Another break-up chronicled, and this time, the she-devil came out! We'll keep that one locked away...

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June 15th, 2002 (age 19)

I have my t-shirt on backwards.

Life at college clearly advancing my intellect.

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The 2003 journal is lost to the world. Tragedy!!

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June 22, 2004 (age 21)
"Rattling"
It's when your smile gets wider, not bigger
And your eyes stretch wide but don't brighten.
It's when your laugh rattles and ricochets off the walls
When normally it just settles.

You make sure they're impressed,
Which they are.
You make sure that they see it,
Which they do.
You make sure everyone feels just fine, exactly fine,
Which I don't. I'm sorry I don't.

It's so sad.
We've been saying I Love You just over a month.
Why is it souring?

This one does actually make me really sad. That was a brutal time.

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June 15th, 2005
Ahhhh! This is when I was in Rome, traveling around after my study abroad trip, and had met the hilarious charming Scotsmen!
WHEN IN ROME:
- Drink 85 cent wine
- Steal milkshake spoon from ristorante
- Say any Italian word you know as often as possible and with gusto swinging arms and hips. To Italians.
- Sing Irish drinking songs REALLY loud with Scottish boys and lots of other campers around a camping table.
- Use the plastic half of a kinder-egg as a shot glass.
- Brush your teeth with rain-water.
- Make friends with tour guides and get them to do special favors for you.
- Develop insane crushes on nearby neighbors in camp site that hail from Scotland and wear kilts and play wonderful music and kiss you.
- Do as the Romans do.

This is another funny excerpt from that entry:
An Italian guard at the Vatican asked me what I was doing later, and told me, "You have beautiful feet." I think he meant face. I laughed and said, "Grazie!" He wouldn't have had a chance to look at my blistered feet, and he kept staring at my face.
"You like compliment?" he asked, smiling hopefully.
"Si, grazie!"

Rome was such a blast!

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June 24, 2006 (age 22)
Just had arrived in Malawi for a two-month long mission trip!

This is ridiculous now, because I am SO behind on this journal and I'm going to be describing banal past happenings, instead of in-the-moment impressions. We've been in Malawi going on three days now, I've met PEOPLE, I've been to a MARKET, I've cooked food with FIREWOOD... and in the journal, I'm still barely out of Johannesburg. I finally graduate from school and I'm stressed out now from my OWN homework. Maybe that's confirmation I'm supposed to be a teacher.

Homework is the best part of being a teacher, no question. Might have to post a real Africa entry on here sometime-- a shame to post something this vacuous as the representative for that whole incredible experience.

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June 18th, 2007 (23)

... Break ups are the weirdest thing. You know one person better than ANYONE and they know you the same way, and you spend every waking minute together and they are on the forefront of every thought, and they inhabit your future as WELL as your present, and they create so many inside jokes that only the two of you now, and they're the biggest part of your life

Until they are shunned, shut out of it. Until they are forcibly removed and a best friend becomes

An absolute stranger.

I don't even remember how we were together. I don't remember any tender emotions. I remember places, events, and words, but all the sweetness in my heart that was for him was expunged, it was too painful. And now I don't remember the way we were with each other.

It was so odd to be reminded of all that.

Remembering the 2004 one. Still finding sadness there.

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June 24th, 2008 (24)

This one, you can see for yourself.

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June 16, 2009

Today? We were looking for something remarkable for today...?

I have three more days of student teaching left. I am simultaneously broken-hearted and overjoyed at the thought. It kills me that our school is closing down-- I won't ever be able to come back and visit these kids. Trying to soak it up while also pushing the sad reality out of my head and feigning total normalcy is a difficult task.

More 2009 later.