One time I was freaked out and stuck at a bar so I thought about sheep.

It turns out I'd be a great candidate for a Cougar. I keep getting hit on by much younger men-- like the 19-year-old tow truck driver from last night, to whom I pointed out, "You're the same age as the students I taught last year."

His response: "Yeah, you do NOT look 27!"

Thanks dude. Thanks.

Wait-- tow truck driver...?

Indeed. Last night while driving home from the little core group I lead (UW Froshies; Bible Study; Fellowship; etc), I noticed my hood was smoking or steaming or something like crazy. Then I realized my temperature gauge had jumped to as high as it could go. Freaked out; pulled over; called AAA.

Then I waited at a nearby bar for two HOURS until Mr. 19-year-old showed up with his big truck.

And as I was sitting in this bar, freaking out, my mind went back to Towers and Pits and Fields.

I know next to nothing about cars, so my first panicked conclusion was that I might have somehow caused the breakdown. The last time I got my oil changed, they didn't give me the little sticker telling me when to bring it in next, and I rely on the little sticker. You'd think the lack of a sticker would have prompted more frequent dipstick checks on my part, but no: every time I think about my oil I just ask myself, "When was that oil change again...? It doesn't seem like it was THAT long ago..."

So in this bar, as it's pumping horrible 90's music and as college guys carry on a game of beer pong on the floor below me, I tell myself, "I should have gotten the oil changed sooner! I suck! I've failed!"

Pit, pit, pit and the Liar cackles. I'm back in the Valley of the Towers.

The only thing I had to keep me occupied while waiting was my journal, so I wrote and wrote and wrote. After reminding myself in all capital letters that I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN MY OIL CHANGED SOONER, I wrote:

"Breathe deep.

"Remember where you are.

"Remember WHOSE you are.

"Remember that He is a powerful God and that He has always shown up in major ways.

"I am free in a big, wide open field of grace. Jesus pulls me out of the pit almost as soon as I've tried to get in it.

"And even though pits have very real-life consequences and very tangible (and costly) ramifications, Jesus reminds me:

"'Hey-- daughter. I will HELP you. I will help you know what to do. I will take care of things-- haven't I ALWAYS taken care of you? Remember when I told you, 'I cushion every foot-fall that you make,' and then I DID? You will be okay.'"

In the bar, with TLC pumping, I tried to imagine Jesus giving me a hug. I think Jesus hugs would probably feel great.

I wrote in my journal again: "He says, 'Darling daughter-- you will be just FINE. Remember how much I love you. I love you impossibly. I love you like lit up fountain water, like the shadows of dolphins leaping in waves. I love you with the intricacy of a spider's web, I love you like wind through trees, I love you longer than it takes the miraculous light from a falling star to reach your breathing eyes on earth. I love you like a sunrise, I love you like ocean waves, I love you like a child's laugh, like September blackberries, like a twirl, like a tight warm quilt. I love you like a warm sunbeam through a window, I love you like a good story. I love you like old French music in the rain. You will be OKAY sweet daughter of mine-- I love you so much. I love you impossibly.'

"And as Satan grumpily slithers back into the hole where he came from, Jesus pulls me back into a tight hold and encourages me to dance once again.

"Moments of fear, moments of insecurity and panic-- oh, then how I crave the certainty of the towers.

"But there is music and freedom and reassurance in this Land of Grace. I will be okay."

This is probably the point when AAA called and told me that the tow-truck company was tied up with accidents and it was going to be another 90 minutes. I gave the very kind waitress a forlorn look and kept writing.

"I have been thinking more about Towers and Pits and the Land of Grace," I wrote, and I thought about my core group girls. Sometimes I wonder: just how much grace should I offer them? When is it appropriate to call them out, and say, "You know, sweet girl-- maybe this really isn't a good idea for you to be doing." When do I point out, "Your actions seem inconsistent with the faith you profess"? I've told them that my first priority with our group is to make it a place of safety and grace. I've said that, more than anything, I want this to be a place where they can feel absolute freedom to be real and honest with each other.

And that's true. And I've sort of figured that, as long as we're reading the Bible and discussing it, and praying with one another-- well then, God will show them the rest.

But still, sometimes I wonder: "As their leader, SHOULD I be doing this differently?" I remember some core group leaders calling me out in necessary ways, and I needed that. "Should I be instructing them? Should I be emphasizing more how they should live; how they shouldn't live?"

Basically what I'm asking is: is Tower Training ever appropriate?

I wrote in my journal, "When I think of my high-school students, I know that developmentally, they still very much see the world in Black and White. There are definite boundaries-- there is a clear right and a clear wrong, there is even a clear US and a clear THEM. There are consequences for what is WRONG (unless they can get away with it)... and overall, it seems like they think and are taught in terms of SHOULD and SHOULD NOT.

"So I wonder: is it healthy, in some respect, to be 'trained in the towers'?

"John 10 talks about a shepherd with His flock-- it's Jesus talking-- and He describes leading the sheep in through a gate and how they won't follow a stranger's voice; how, HIS sheep know HIS voice and they follow Him, and those sheep that know Him 'will come in and go out and find pasture' (10:9).

"And I have been thinking about this because this is a field we're dealing with, I assume-- Jesus is a shepherd and sheep graze in wide open spaces I presume, so it sounds like a Field of Grace.

"Yet there is a pen, and a gate, and a fence which all sound like boundaries. And yet the sheep 'go in and out and find pasture.'

"How do I reconcile this? What does all this mean for 'training'? What does this mean for the expansive freedom I envisioned in the Land of Grace?

"I think the most important part is the fact that Jesus says that His sheep 'know His voice' (10: 4, 14, 27). The fact that they know His voice implies such intimacy I feel. It implies such a personal understanding, such a familiarity between sheep and shepherd.

"I think, if that intimacy exists, there is very little need for the Towers of SHOULDs and SHOULD-NOTs. The sheep are safe because they know to follow the shepherd's voice, and as He points out, He'll do absolutely anything He needs to do to protect them, even lay down His life.

"If there is not that intimacy though, if the sheep do not recognize the voice of their shepherd-- well, perhaps then it IS wiser to keep the sheep safely locked in a tower room, and surround the sheep with lists of SHOULDs and SHOULD-NOTs. Perhaps then, somehow, the sheep will be kept safe-- for as long as it submits to the shut tower doors, that is."

And in writing this blog even now, I'm thinking, "Some of the Tower lessons are good-- a Tower lesson I'm familiar with is 'Read your Bible,' and 'Pray.' And those lessons, those SHOULDs-- well, aren't those practices the way that a sheep learns to recognize the voice of the shepherd?"

But then I think, "Yet in the Towers, the implication is that you do those things because you SHOULD do them, because that is the RIGHT thing to do. And if you don't do them, well then, you are a bad sheep and you suck."

In the Land of Grace, conversely, you read and pray because you love the Shepherd, and He loves you, and you want to learn the dance, and you want to know HIM more.

I still don't know what this means in terms of what I do with my core group girls. After all, I basically make them read a chapter of John every week. I think there are a lot of weeks when they'd really rather not do the Bible Study part. Am I cornering them in a Tower and forcing a SHOULD down their mouths?

I don't know.

Back to the journal.

I wrote, "At some point, any sheep is going to make its own decision. Who is my shepherd? Who will I follow? Where will I choose to graze?

"The Towers of the SHOULDs and the SHOULD-NOTs may have inadvertently provided directions to the Land of Grace. Maybe, having been trained in the Towers, once a sheep leaves, it will find its way right to the Land of Grace. And that could be a great thing.

"But a sheep may also choose to follow the voice of the Thief.

"I think some sheep-- even with Tower training, maybe because of Tower training-- just need to find their own way. They escape and follow the Thief for a while, and when they realize the Thief is destroying them-- maybe THAT'S when they finally arrive, bedraggled, at the Fields of Grace. Maybe those people need to find themselves at the bottom of a pit before they realize how badly they want to feel freedom.

"Or who knows, maybe some sheep never find their way to the Land of Grace at all.

"I watched the movie '127 Hours' two nights ago and it's about a really cocky, confident hiker guy who gets his arm pinned against a canyon wall and can't get out for 127 hours. He tries everything he can do to free himself but none of it works. Finally, he saws his arm off-- and this is a true story too. He saws his arm off and stumbles out of the canyon and finally he sees people and yells, 'I need HELP!-- Please-- help me!!' This super cocky guy found himself in a pit and finally admits he's in desperate need of help.

"I think pit-discovery is sort of like that too. I think sometimes getting OUT of the pit requires pretty serious humility and repentance-- and may even require renouncing a part of yourself, like Richard talked about in his last sermon. Maybe we need to renounce the part of ourselves that follows the Thief. Like, saw off an arm.

"Yet still-- this scenery out of the pit is not tall towers of rules and formulas and high-up-in-the-tower-looking-down-on-others-judgment. It's still open fields.

"I don't know if there's ever a place for the Valley of the Towers. I know that, so long as a sheep recognizes the voice of the Good Shepherd, it will follow its True Shepherd into a field which is open, which has a pen of safety when needed, a pen which can be entered and exited, which offers good pasture.

"But I also believe that navigating all those places is near impossible to do without listening for the VOICE of the Good Shepherd.

"Maybe the 'training' of young people should be less about SHOULDs and SHOULD-NOTs and more about recognizing the voice of the Shepherd.

"Jesus is a warm voice-- a guide, who wants the most delightful discoveries for us. He is an arm's length away, even in the pit. He is a rescuer-- a rescuer who wants to laugh with us, be joyful with us, be FREE with us.

"He wants to save us, mostly.

"And following Him does not require following rules or codes or formulas-- it is more a simple following of His voice, of listening for that gentle, kind direction. It is going in and out and following the Shepherd to the nicest fields and exploring and finding refuge in the pen at times, and experiencing freedom and embracing LOVE.

"Grace is such a twirl.

"It really is."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

That was the end of last night's journal entry; shortly after that, the 19-year-old came and got me and towed my poor Honda home. Still don't know what's wrong with it-- praying it's just a broken radiator hose.

I know, in this Field of Grace analogy, there's still a lot to be worked out. I haven't thought yet about how the Great Commission works into it all-- although I bet it has something to do with Jesus telling Peter that, if Peter loves Him, to take care of His sheep. Like I said in the last blog, I'm new to this place and still blinking my eyes in the bright light, waiting for them to adjust.

It's a paradigm shift, really-- a removal of one fundamental lens of assessment and the replacement of that lens with a new one. I'd really love to hear people's thoughts on this (if, that is, you managed to read the whole thing. I've given up on writing this blog for an audience; it's more for me, and for the random passer-by who has eons of time to read my giant blogs.) But if you HAVE managed to read this all, I'd be interested in your thoughts: is this watered down theology? Are there some of us who DO, in fact, belong in the Valley of the Towers? How do you find yourself managing to navigate life-- do you rely on formulas? Do you stumble with so much freedom in Grace?

Any thoughts would be welcome. Blessings to you, fellow sheepies.