Caddywampus Clarity

I think I may have had a thought.

I had counseling tonight. Mondays are counseling. I told my counselor that my trip to California to see Beau went well. (My trip to California to see Beau went so well.) I told her that Thanksgiving was hard. (Thanksgiving was hard.) I told her about my reluctant approach to the holidays. (I am reluctantly approaching the holidays.) And then we talked about need.

And we agreed that it seems I really just don't, do NOT, just don't like the idea of needing people. I wrote a blog about this: if that blog was a flag, we waved the blog flag tonight, that PARTICULAR blog flag. In that blog, I wrote,

"Humans are flawed... Humans, even the best ones, let you down, they LEAVE you, they hurt you, and once you need them, you're doomed. No one, and I mean NO ONE that I had needed... had kept me safe. Only God then. Only ever safe to need Him.

And yet... I look at those words that I've written, and I feel shocked.

Really? IS that the truth? Is it completely wrong and foolish to let yourself need others?

I love people, I've always loved people. I collect warmth from kind interactions with strangers the way other people do in front of a wood-burning fire. Does refusing to need people shut me out from that example of God's love and care-taking?

Or... Is that wisdom?"

Does God call us to need each other? Or does He ask to be our only sustainment? Is it "idol-worship" (to get real "Christiany" on us all) if we feel a need for things other than God?"

As my counselor and I discussed this idea of need, those same questions came up. I drove home still clueless, still wondering, still unsure. Is it right to need others, or does that take us away from God? Is it necessary to need others, or is that an unnecessary risk? Is it foolish to need others, or does avoiding it set us up for permanent loneliness?

Then, under a stoplight, in the rain, to the soundtrack of my wiper blades, watching the world through my blurred non-glasses-wearing vision: the light turned green. And I had a thought.

This is what I wrote in my journal when I got home:

I suppose, the fact that God DOES provide this permanent safety net should give me all the freedom in the world to toss my heart around. After all-- it's not a matter of us holding on to HIM-- HE holds on to US. It's not a matter of us refusing to give our hearts away to anyone else with the attitude that if we DID, we would no longer be connected with God... We ARE His. We just ARE His. That doesn't change. There's nothing we can do to sever that belonging, or to break that hold, or to risk that love, that protection, that closeness, that safety. "Nothing can separate us from the love of God." So, if I let myself need someone: so what? If I do, that doesn't mean God goes AWAY, or that I've swapped Him out for something infinitely less sure. It means I've taken a risk-- I've stepped out in faith. And I think God likes it when we do that. And if the person I've let myself need lets me down-- so what? God is still there. Because HE DOESN'T GO AWAY.

Understanding that God is what makes me whole should, theoretically, give me every reason in the world to offer the pieces to someone else. Because it is Him that swims in the cracks. It is Him that can float the intermingling parts into new formations. It is Him that works in risks and leaps and movements-- not stagnation.

It is HIM that holds on to ME-- no matter how reckless my leaping might be.