Caddywampus Clarity

I think I may have had a thought.

I had counseling tonight. Mondays are counseling. I told my counselor that my trip to California to see Beau went well. (My trip to California to see Beau went so well.) I told her that Thanksgiving was hard. (Thanksgiving was hard.) I told her about my reluctant approach to the holidays. (I am reluctantly approaching the holidays.) And then we talked about need.

And we agreed that it seems I really just don't, do NOT, just don't like the idea of needing people. I wrote a blog about this: if that blog was a flag, we waved the blog flag tonight, that PARTICULAR blog flag. In that blog, I wrote,

"Humans are flawed... Humans, even the best ones, let you down, they LEAVE you, they hurt you, and once you need them, you're doomed. No one, and I mean NO ONE that I had needed... had kept me safe. Only God then. Only ever safe to need Him.

And yet... I look at those words that I've written, and I feel shocked.

Really? IS that the truth? Is it completely wrong and foolish to let yourself need others?

I love people, I've always loved people. I collect warmth from kind interactions with strangers the way other people do in front of a wood-burning fire. Does refusing to need people shut me out from that example of God's love and care-taking?

Or... Is that wisdom?"

Does God call us to need each other? Or does He ask to be our only sustainment? Is it "idol-worship" (to get real "Christiany" on us all) if we feel a need for things other than God?"

As my counselor and I discussed this idea of need, those same questions came up. I drove home still clueless, still wondering, still unsure. Is it right to need others, or does that take us away from God? Is it necessary to need others, or is that an unnecessary risk? Is it foolish to need others, or does avoiding it set us up for permanent loneliness?

Then, under a stoplight, in the rain, to the soundtrack of my wiper blades, watching the world through my blurred non-glasses-wearing vision: the light turned green. And I had a thought.

This is what I wrote in my journal when I got home:

I suppose, the fact that God DOES provide this permanent safety net should give me all the freedom in the world to toss my heart around. After all-- it's not a matter of us holding on to HIM-- HE holds on to US. It's not a matter of us refusing to give our hearts away to anyone else with the attitude that if we DID, we would no longer be connected with God... We ARE His. We just ARE His. That doesn't change. There's nothing we can do to sever that belonging, or to break that hold, or to risk that love, that protection, that closeness, that safety. "Nothing can separate us from the love of God." So, if I let myself need someone: so what? If I do, that doesn't mean God goes AWAY, or that I've swapped Him out for something infinitely less sure. It means I've taken a risk-- I've stepped out in faith. And I think God likes it when we do that. And if the person I've let myself need lets me down-- so what? God is still there. Because HE DOESN'T GO AWAY.

Understanding that God is what makes me whole should, theoretically, give me every reason in the world to offer the pieces to someone else. Because it is Him that swims in the cracks. It is Him that can float the intermingling parts into new formations. It is Him that works in risks and leaps and movements-- not stagnation.

It is HIM that holds on to ME-- no matter how reckless my leaping might be.

A Serious Question

Yesterday, someone suggested that I do something which I realized I have adamantly taught myself NOT to do: need people.

Need people? Put my life in the hands of someone else? Risk fusing my life to another's in a way that would leave me incomplete were they to walk away? Nuh uh. No way. No how. God is the only safe one to NEED.

The person very reasonably pointed out that God has always worked within community: that Jesus leaned on others, and shared with others-- and that His "greatest commandment" included others: "Love your God and love your neighbor." Surely, the person suggested, it's dodging one of His greatest gifts to say, "It's ONLY God and me-- and I'm fine that way." We're meant to be together-- we're meant to work with each other.

But does that involve NEEDING each other?

I've been thinking about this question all day long, and I have no idea what the answer is.

So I'll tell you where I'm coming from: for as long as I can remember, the only people I've ever needed have let me down. That's not to initiate a sob story, or to get blog-readers to feel sorry for me-- I'm simply trying to expose the steps that have led to my conclusion. The needing started with my Elementary School best friend. In 3rd grade, we were put in different classes where she made other friends, and I did not. I waited for her to come out at recess, played with her then, and didn't bother with anyone else. In 5th grade, she "dumped" me-- which was somewhat understandable, given my clinginess-- and I was alone. I had assumed that she would stick around, and I let myself NEED her. But she walked away, and I felt incomplete.

But you gather the pieces, right?

Moving forward then: my best friend in early high-school got mad at me when I got together with a new boyfriend; I did my best to make her feel like a continued priority in my life, but things frayed and we grew apart. My best friend during my Junior and Senior year was wonderful, but went to a college far away and wasn't good at staying in touch. We grew apart, and I had another hole to fill.

Finally I decided I should probably just not call anyone my best friend. That label seemed jinxed.

BUT: that didn't necessarily apply to BOYS, did it?

So I gave my heart away: once, completely. Only to be abandoned, completely. It was shattering.

After gathering the pieces, I gave it away again-- not with the same reckless abandon as before, but still with determination, and purpose, and commitment. But he broke me in a different way, with cruel, controlling words. From that life-draining relationship, I learned that the label of "love" DIDN'T always mean kindness, that it DIDN'T always mean selflessness, that it DIDN'T mean protection-- that in fact, the label of "love" could shroud the very opposite of all those things.

But I tried, and tried again. I became increasingly desperate, I offered my heart to cliff jumpers, to sky divers, to shark feeders: I offered it to men that gave me no reassurance of protection whatsoever. Finally, thank God, I woke up. I realized just how far I had drifted from ME-- and from God. It appalled me, and after a major prayer, I retreated.

I curled back into myself, and back into the Safety-- the real Safety. I listened to songs with words like, "I am convinced only YOU can sustain me," in reference to God. I took to heart worship songs that sang, "Let us not lift our souls to another." Humans are flawed, I had learned that at long last. Humans, even the best ones, let you down, they LEAVE you, they hurt you, and once you need them, you're doomed. No one, and I mean NO ONE that I had needed, family included... had kept me safe.

Like yesterday's "Peanuts" cartoon... I had turned off the trust.


Only God then. Only ever safe to need Him.

And yet... I look at those words that I've written, and I feel shocked.

Really? IS that the truth? Is it completely wrong and foolish to let yourself need others? And how have I gotten to this place? Am I that jaded? What happened to the girl that, only a couple years ago, wrote: "You will get hurt in life, and your heart will most likely get broken. But that is no reason to live in fear of brokenness, or to push away the wonderful feelings while they’re there. If brokenness comes, cry, and praise God that He is giving you an opportunity to grow closer to Him, and write a few killer break-up songs. But don’t ever try to prevent yourself from falling in love. Falling in love is great." Where is SHE?

I was once a hopeless romantic. Where is she?

I love people, I've always loved people. I collect warmth from kind interactions with strangers the way other people do in front of a wood-burning fire. Does refusing to need people shut me out from that example of God's love and care-taking?

Or... Is that wisdom?

I seriously don't know, and I'm ASKING... what is the truth? I understand the difference between choosing to trust people, and trusting IN people... I think the first, choosing to trust people, is a necessary part of living among friends and having healthy relationships. Sure, people are flawed, but it's important to choose to trust them, as best you can. But trusting IN a person-- asking a person to save your life, to fix you, to complete you-- is asking too much I think. That's a role that only God can fulfill, I think-- it's only right to trust IN God.

But what about need? Does God call us to need each other? Or does He ask to be our only sustainment? Is it "idol-worship" (to get real "Christiany" on us all) if we feel a need for things other than God?

I really don't know. I'd love your opinions. I feel like a huge part of my heart, my future, and my ability to move forward rests on this question. And I have no idea what the answer is.