Yesterday morning, I hit my head on feelings of intimidation and fear right when I woke up. My thoughts shouted at me, throwing stones and making cruel faces. How am I going to succeed at this new job?? How am I going to possibly plan three different classes, including Senior AP, when I have four grad school classes to finish?? I clutched my knees on the floor in the shower, and let the water beat down on me, and felt afraid, and felt small, and felt so unsure of myself.
And then I thought, "Next year will be exactly what it's supposed to be, because that is what God does." And I thought, "Trust anyway. Even though there are myriad reasons to doubt. Trust anyway. He got you this job, didn't he?"
And then I got out of the shower, and I saw a moth beating its wings against the stained glass window, covered in steam. The wings made the most magical pattern on the glass-- light and soft and perfectly unsynchronized-- tiny fans and feathers pleading release from a fog of hard obscurity. It flew to and fro, and the significance of the occasion made me wonder, awed. I once more felt wrapped up in reassurance of His beauty, His attention to the smallest things, the way He can draw the loveliest painting on a window with the dust of a moth's wings and the vapor from streaming water.
I just watched the moth create, and felt so astounded, and so thankful.
Then I opened the window, set it free, and felt a little more courage in facing the day.
Showing posts with label moths. Show all posts
Showing posts with label moths. Show all posts
Aug 8, 2009
Oct 20, 2008
Things That Have Happened In My Life Recently:
1.) I tried a protein shake for the first time, and it was DISGUSTING.
2.) I tolerated the presence of a moth in my car for approximately one week, hoping that we might become friends and I wouldn't have to deal with touching it. Alas, no such kinship formed, and forcible eviction was employed.
3.) I called a counselor. To get counseling.
Regarding #3: I have never understood the big stigma surrounding counseling. I went once before, as a kid, when our family was going through some big changes. My mom thought I would need it, but I had already processed through the main chunk of the upheaval, and didn't really learn anything new with the pretty blonde lady. But I'm a big believer in counseling. I honestly think we could all do with a dose of it every once in a while, and whenever a friend has told me with some hesitation, "I...um, have to see my counselor that afternoon..." I've always felt disconcerted at the conveyed embarrassment. People go through stuff. Sometimes it involves some extra conversation. Why NOT talk to someone smart about your feelings?
Normally, I do a pretty fair job of reflecting on events in my life and processing things on my own. However, many big big things have happened to me in the last five months, and following all the spider trails of impact has proven to be a little daunting. Therefore, I have decided to get counseling. And I'm sort of excited about it. I hope things start getting organized in little mental boxes, rather than running together as they have been.
Why do we balk at the idea of therapy? When you hurt your leg, you go to a physical therapist. When you hurt your back, you go to a massage therapist. When you hurt your heart, you go to a therapist therapist. Right? I've heard of so many couples where one partner wanted to get counseling, and the other refused. Why refuse?? Obviously, if one partner feels the need for it, the relationship could use some assistance. But so many people shy away from COUNSELING because it's COUNSELING. I sort of think that's silly. I've thought that, before I get married, it's going to need to be a DEAL that if one of "us" (myself and future hypothetical hubby) ever request the need/desire for counseling, the other partner HAS to agree, and go along. Checking in on the state of feelings couldn't ever hurt, I feel. Better safe than sorry.
Anyway: that's my thought for Monday. I think it would be funny to see a t-shirt that said, "Gooooo THERAPY!" Wouldn't that be funny? I think that would be funny. If I saw someone wearing that t-shirt, I would laugh and say, "Yeah. Go therapy. Go feelings! And, you know, leather couches!" And if the person gave me a funny look, I would just pretend to brush it off, and then inwardly stew about it, and then maybe cry in my room about it later on.
And then I would probably talk about it to my counselor.
2.) I tolerated the presence of a moth in my car for approximately one week, hoping that we might become friends and I wouldn't have to deal with touching it. Alas, no such kinship formed, and forcible eviction was employed.
3.) I called a counselor. To get counseling.
Regarding #3: I have never understood the big stigma surrounding counseling. I went once before, as a kid, when our family was going through some big changes. My mom thought I would need it, but I had already processed through the main chunk of the upheaval, and didn't really learn anything new with the pretty blonde lady. But I'm a big believer in counseling. I honestly think we could all do with a dose of it every once in a while, and whenever a friend has told me with some hesitation, "I...um, have to see my counselor that afternoon..." I've always felt disconcerted at the conveyed embarrassment. People go through stuff. Sometimes it involves some extra conversation. Why NOT talk to someone smart about your feelings?
Normally, I do a pretty fair job of reflecting on events in my life and processing things on my own. However, many big big things have happened to me in the last five months, and following all the spider trails of impact has proven to be a little daunting. Therefore, I have decided to get counseling. And I'm sort of excited about it. I hope things start getting organized in little mental boxes, rather than running together as they have been.
Why do we balk at the idea of therapy? When you hurt your leg, you go to a physical therapist. When you hurt your back, you go to a massage therapist. When you hurt your heart, you go to a therapist therapist. Right? I've heard of so many couples where one partner wanted to get counseling, and the other refused. Why refuse?? Obviously, if one partner feels the need for it, the relationship could use some assistance. But so many people shy away from COUNSELING because it's COUNSELING. I sort of think that's silly. I've thought that, before I get married, it's going to need to be a DEAL that if one of "us" (myself and future hypothetical hubby) ever request the need/desire for counseling, the other partner HAS to agree, and go along. Checking in on the state of feelings couldn't ever hurt, I feel. Better safe than sorry.
Anyway: that's my thought for Monday. I think it would be funny to see a t-shirt that said, "Gooooo THERAPY!" Wouldn't that be funny? I think that would be funny. If I saw someone wearing that t-shirt, I would laugh and say, "Yeah. Go therapy. Go feelings! And, you know, leather couches!" And if the person gave me a funny look, I would just pretend to brush it off, and then inwardly stew about it, and then maybe cry in my room about it later on.
And then I would probably talk about it to my counselor.
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