Infinity

Early morning, driving from the Grand Canyon through Arizona along the 89, to the 160.

I tried to catch a sunrise in the desert on this particular morning, and got up at 3:30am. I didn't make it to the desert in time, but made it to this sun-swept field when the sun was still in its baby years. I saw horses grazing in the gold, and felt stunned at the way the light lit up the world. I took picture after picture, running from place to place with a floating heart while my Honda purred on the shoulder.

Let morning be eternal; let me remember this dancing moment. Let me remember that, at my furthest point away from home, I was already experiencing something of a wonderful, open, shimmering, eternal abode.

This picture makes me feel free.

Soldier

It's 7:00AM, and I'm at my desk. Class will start in 45 minutes.

I was still here, less than twelve hours ago. I was here for the twelve hours before that. When I finally DID leave, I went home, and prepared for Friday's class, packed for the retreat, and finally fell into bed around 10:15PM. I had frantic, nerve-wracking dreams all night, and when my alarm finally sounded at 4:45AM, I woke with a jolt and a gasp. I could barely keep my eyes open on my drive to work.

It's not a good sign when you imagine getting into a car wreck and feel some relief, thinking, "At least then, I could take the day off..."

And it's only Wednesday.

Why this sudden terror and exhaustion? Why this seizure of anxiety after two solid days of teaching? Is this the devil?

I am dreading 6th period. I'm pretty sure they were largely featured in the terrible dreams.

Two thoughts, I'm finding comfort in. One, is that I know that, SOMEHOW, I will make it to the end of the day. 3:00PM will come. And bedtime-- glorious, blissful bedtime will come after that. I might even get to sleep in until, like, 7:00 tomorrow because the kids won't show up at the retreat center until later. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed with how much I have to do, it's been a comforting thing to look at the final deadline and say, "SOMEHOW it will all get done. I don't know how, but it will." And it always has. And it will today. I will make it to 3:00PM, and by the time I do, I will have taught five high-school English classes.

Second: this is a little childish, but that is sometimes a pattern with me. And whenever I'm feeling especially knotted up with nerves, it's tremendously helpful to find myself in a moment of silliness. I am picturing myself as a solider. This morning, I am in camo gear, lying on my belly in a trench after a fitful night of sleep. I'm watching the sun rise through a barbed wire coil, and thinking that it's beautiful, and thinking that I need to GEAR UP for the battle today. I've got mud on my face because, word: I am hard core. I can do this. I have weapons. And I can take on 6th period. And besides, there are other hard core soldiers fighting with me.

(Cue bloggies to PRAY.)

Anyway. I will make it. I will survive. This is just teaching! Why am I so freaked out? I know the ending to the story: God wins. All I have to do is love others, and love Him in the meantime. He'll take care of the rest.

Roger that.