2008 Sing-A-Long

At the end of every year, I make a list in my journal of all the SIGNIFICANT events that transpired over the last 365 days. THAT list would be a little too personal for a publicly accessed blog, but I'll provide a little teaser. I've realized when looking through playlists in my I-Tunes that so many moments of this year have had a song to accompany them-- one that I played on repeat during the days when one of these specific situations took over. Therefore, I'll give you the list of significant events, month by month-- but instead of naming the happenings, I'll just provide the relevant lyrics. I didn't write a ton of songs this year, but where they apply, I put included some of my own lyrics. Forgive the earlier months for being a little skimpier on the songs-- there was less happening then!

JANUARY:
I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
Yael Naim, "New Soul"

FEBRUARY:
We made speculation
On the who's and the when's of our futures
And how everyone's lonely
But still we just couldn't complain

And how we just hate being alone
Could I have missed my only chance
And now I'm just wasting my time
By looking around

But you know I know better
I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothing
Cause if the birds and the flowers survive
Then I'll make it okay
I'm given a chance and a rock
see which one breaks a window
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in
...

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.
Caedmon's Call, "Table for Two"

MARCH:
Its time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
Its time to move on, it's time to get going
Tom Petty, "Time to Move On"

But I, I think I've tried to make the best of it
So why would you chastise me for the rest of it?
Escaping and capering to some far off place seems like the grace I need;
I've made a ladder out of confused gray matter and tied up bedroom sheets
I'm leaving this place, I'm going to outer space.
My song, "Outer Space"

APRIL:
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
...
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service
...
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault.
Alanis Morissette, "Head Over Feet"

Hello blackbird, hello starling
Winter's over: be my darling
It's been a long time coming
But now the snow is gone!
Josh Ritter, "Snow is Gone"

Gotta spend some time, love
Gotta spend some time with me
Gotta spend some time, love
I will possess your heart.
Death Cab for Cutie, "I Will Possess Your Heart"

MAY:
Kiss me once, kiss me twice
Kiss me once again
It's been a long, long time.
Keely Smith, "It's Been A Long, Long Time"

For being brave and following when I ran away,
For showing me that trusting you might just be safe,
For knowing when to kiss me and when to stop and pray
I think I should thank you.

For seeing me as the woman that I want to be,
For recognizing the girl that is simply me,
For letting go and holding on and being free,
I think I should thank you.

For having the respect to treat me honestly,
For fighting to be the man that he's asked you to be,
For thinking of my heart when you are on your knees,
I think I should thank you.
My song, "Thank You"

JUNE:
Freedom is ours to hold
It's just a struggle in your mind to keep your soul
Keep your soul
Beautiful Girls, "Freedom (Part 2)"

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still
The Weepies, "The World Spins Madly On"

I’ve seen my future slip through my hands
Watched the wind whip through desert sands
Then I remember I’m no ordinary man and I’m
Going somewhere
Going somewhere
Colin Hay, "Going Somewhere"

JULY:
And I ask you, friend, what's a fella to do
'Cause her hair was black and her eyes were blue
So I took her hand and I gave her a twirl
And I lost my heart to a Galway girl
The Town Pants, "Galway Girl"

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free
Tom Petty, "Wildflowers"

Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
Needtobreathe, "Washed by the Water"

AUGUST:
What if we stop having a ball?
What if the paint chips from the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think I am?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you win, chase you with a rolling pin?
Well what if I do?

cause...
I am giving up on making passes and
I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses.
I am giving up.

I am giving up for you,
I am giving up.
Ingrid Michaelson, "Giving Up"

SEPTEMBER:
I've seen love go by my door
It's never been this close before
Never been so easy or so slow.
Been shooting in the dark too long
When somethin's not right it's wrong
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Dragon clouds so high above
I've only known careless love,
It's always hit me from below.
This time around it's more correct
Right on target, so direct,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Purple clover, Queen Anne lace,
Crimson hair across your face,
You could make me cry if you don't know.
Can't remember what I was thinkin' of
You might be spoilin' me too much, love,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go.

Flowers on the hillside, bloomin' crazy,
Crickets talkin' back and forth in rhyme,
Blue river runnin' slow and lazy,
I could stay with you forever
And never realize the time.

Situations have ended sad,
Relationships have all been bad.
Mine've been like Verlaine's and Rimbaud.
But there's no way I can compare
All those scenes to this affair,
You're gonna make me lonesome when you go
Madeleine Peyroux's cover of Bob Dylan, "You're Going to Make Me Lonesome When You Go"

Another day goes by, it goes by.
Still I am far away
From your side, from your side.
And oh my heart, how it aches sometimes
It aches sometimes
And though we're apart
I've got you on my mind.

The end of this road
You'll never know, you'll never know.
And all that we have
We'll never hold, we'll never hold
And somedays I, just can't seem to find
Seem to find
Not a single way
To get you off my mind.

You're on my mind
You're on my mind
You're on my mind.
The Beautiful Girls, "When I Had You With Me"

OCTOBER:
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken heart
Ingrid Michaelson, "Be OK"

Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I say i don't love you
Just hold on love
So my head gets a little cloudy
And the drink goes straight to my heart
The the words come like a runaway train
In the dark
Just hold on love
Even when I scream and fight
Even when I swear i don't love you
Just hold on tight
And when the darkness falls over
Like a storm cloud in my head
Something inside says it's easier
To push you away but stay and
Hold on love
Even when I cry all night
Even when I swear i don't love you
Just hold on love
Just hold on love
Just hold on love
Azure Ray, "Hold On Love"

Godspeed to you,
Keep the lighthouse in sight.
Jenny Lewis, "Godspeed"

NOVEMBER:
My life,
Has led me down the road that's so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that's gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I'm tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home

Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I've been trying to find my way,
I haven't got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I've got nothing without You
I've got nothing without You
Third Day, "Revelation"

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down
Nickel Creek, "When You Come Back Down"

Someday I'll be good,
Someday I'll be good for you
Well someday I'll run right out of it all
And right into you
Justin Hopkins, "Someday"

DECEMBER:
I would tell you I am happy
If I wasn't so damn sad.
Mindy Smith, "Down in Flames"

Don't give up on me
...It's never too late for reaching out
When things can't be perfect
And everyone starts to doubt
Oh don't give up on me.
Neal Carpenter, "Don't Give Up On Me"

Last night I took the long way home
Clearing my head in the car, all alone
I saw a man walking down the road,
And I could have sworn it was you.

It took me back to the way it was,
Falling for you 'neath the stars up above,
I was an innocent girl looking for true love,
And I could have sworn it was you.
Annie Parsons, "I Could Have Sworn It Was You"

One thought, has me turning back
A dozen point the other way
We act upon desire
To reach your hand for higher
And patience isn't worth the wait

You've got knives in your eyes
You would be happy not to change your mind
I can't defend you truly
When I worry about smoke instead of putting out the fire

And if we work it out
Chances are bound we'd be standing around
For no one's better sake
Good-bye
Little Joy, "No One's Better Sake"

Keep your eyes on the prize
Don't be dismayed
Don't be dismayed
Deep in your heart
You must believe
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Everything is going to be alright
Someday.
Hans Zimmer, Green Card sountrack, "Eyes on the Prize"

Self-Portrait

This is, I think, my favorite picture of myself. It's a self-portrait-- I took it last New Years Day.

I found myself lost last December. As I looked ahead to the New Year, I realized I had completely wandered away from the parts of me that I felt proud of; I had drifted from the essences, from the gumption, from the truth, from the deep-down twinkling. Like a cloud in the sky on a windy day, I had shape-shifted and chased after breezes, leaving wispy vapors where there should have been pictures to name. It's a poetic way to say that I had bought into the idea that many single 20-somethings believe: that I wasn't enough without someone ELSE. And in looking for the "elses," I led my heart out onto ledges, onto tight-ropes, onto rotten bridges. I offered it to sky-divers and shark-feeders-- men that made no promises of safe-keeping. I led it so far away that I'd soon lost track of it completely, and I was hazy eyed. I couldn't see me anymore.

My Dad called me out last Christmas; he said that I wasn't the Greta he knew-- the Greta that knew where she was going, that had dreams, and ambitions, and found jokes all by herself to giggle at. He said, "You seem like a ping pong ball, bouncing back and forth between these GUYS." I pictured myself as the metal ball inside a pinball machine: bouncing, and zinging, and making loud noises, and all the while heading for that clanging pit at the bottom.

Dad was right, and it made me cry. I missed me. I missed God, and I missed ME.

New Years Eve, I went out. I got dressed up in high-heeled boots, and a black dress, and drank wine with some girlfriends and all the while felt frustrated and empty. On a whim, I mentioned to one of them, "I think I'll go for a walk tomorrow. A big walk. I think I'll maybe walk all over the city."

As the night progressed, and I danced, and I watched guys shmooze girls that they didn't know and didn't care about, the idea beckoned more strongly. I would take a walk. A big walk. I would walk all over Seattle. I went to sleep just a few hours into the New Year-- tired, but no longer bleary eyed. I had a plan, and it was the most Greta-like thing I'd had in a long time.

I woke up new.

It took miles to find my way back to me; I walked all day. I got up early, and put on an outfit that was for no one to look at. I wore comfortable tennis shoes, a warm jacket, my blue glasses for LOOKING, and a warm hat which had been a Christmas present from my little brother. I filled a back-pack with essentials, and tucked my camera into my coat-pocket. And I started walking.

I found so many things.










And at one point, I found a No Trespassing sign.

And past the No Trespassing sign, I found a long dock with house-boats on either side. And at the end of the dock I looked across the water to a park I often ride my bike to in the summer-time-- but this time, I was on the other side of the looking glass. I was IN the view I normally gazed at from a distance, and this view was transformed. I was transformed.

And I found a house that perfectly matched the color of my jacket.


And that's when I took my favorite picture of myself.

I like the picture because I didn't take it to be pretty. I like it because my coat matches a house and they are both fabulous raspberry. I like it because my hair is covered up with a hat and my mouth is covered up with my coat, and I like it because even though I covered up my mouth to attain maximum pinkage, you can still tell that I'm grinning. I like it because I could have only taken it after disobeying a rule-- which is a very Greta thing to do-- and because I took it after walking on firm ground for miles and miles, and because I took it after having so many fun conversations with so many strangers, and because I took it after chuckling and congratulating God on his funny, beautiful world all day long. I like it because I took it-- I wasn't asking for anyone else's approval, or validation, or opinion. I like it because it was a silly moment. I like it because I have my glasses on, so I know that I was able to see the world with radiant clarity. And I like that, even with the glasses on, you can see that the twinkling is back.

I woke up that day. It was, and remains, one of the best days of my life.

2008 has been a doozy. No sooner had I gotten a grip on me than circumstances did everything they could to knock me loose again. I have hoped, and hurt, and tried, and failed, and guarded, and exposed. I have been overjoyed, and I have been utterly dismayed. I worried over Grandpa through a health-scare. I entered and exited two different relationships. I swash-buckled my way across Europe with Heidi. I reeled through family distress. I became an aunt for the second time. I started grad school in an effort to realize my dream of being a teacher, and encountered the significant stress entailed. It's been loaded. Several times I've said, "I feel the weakest that I've ever been in my life. I feel crazy right now. I really feel crazy."

But through it all-- through ALL the ups and downs-- it's been ME. I've clutched hold of the dreams I remembered on January 1st of this year. I haven't often FELT as twinkly or giggly or adventurous or delighted as I did in that picture, but I've remembered that that's who I really AM, and that that's the girl I belong to. I've held tight to the closeness with God I felt on that walk, and as the world has crumbled, He has grown in strength and immediacy to compensate.

Tonight the sermon was about hope. I thought, "I could give that sermon." Because, you see, after a year of flirting with soul-marring cynicism, I still am hoping. I'm not writing off men, or love. I'm not writing off family. I'm not writing off ME. After a hard, hard year: I have my head up. I believe in so many things!! I DO, I believe in things! My eyes have cried a lot this year, but damn it, they're clear when they look back at me in the mirror. I still understand the deep-downs. I have been crazy: true. But I have been ME-crazy-- if that makes any sense. In the worst of it, I called people who loved me, and hugged them til the crying stopped, and then we prayed together, and then I was ready to try again.

I feel stronger, I guess is what I'm trying to say. Like-- exhausted. But ready to try again. I mean, not READY. But.

Ready to believe I WILL be ready.

And, as 2009 approaches (she noted with a resilient twinkle in her eye): I'm ready for another New Years walk.