Signs you're dealing with an English Teacher

-- Subject frequently makes cryptic allusions to mythology, Shakespeare, and/or obscure poets. Subject will probably try to solicit knowing nods from his/her audience by grinning and winking after aforementioned allusion. Don't respond. It's best not to encourage this sort of behavior.

-- Subject will often dress oddly. When asked why he/she is wearing a toga, or a floor length gown, or a cap and mustache, subject will respond immediately with something along the lines of, "We're doing mythology"; "We're in Pride and Prejudice"; "I'm supposed to be Mr. Period to talk about independent clauses." Do not feel concerned with these odd displays. Although this IS a mild form of insanity (subject experiences delusions that he/she is actually IN books), subject's delusions are relatively innocuous and will not generally lead to harm.

-- Subject may show empathy and concern for world issues and/or serious life events; however, the most immediate trigger for subject's weeping will be incorrect apostrophe usage.

-- Subject can be seen muttering to him/herself in lines of iambic pentameter.

-- Subject will show an appalling lack of recall when asked to repeat details from friends' lives. However, subject WILL be able to spout off minute details from a novel and/or poem, and can locate any given quote within said novel within 90 seconds. Those who display this unfortunate psychological imbalance can be classified as "Language Arts Savants."

-- Subject vigilantly keeps records of students' hypothetical incomes (both advances and losses) when playing societal games as part of a class curriculum. Subject, however, may be clueless as to the actual state of his/her own finances.

-- Subject will usually be oblivious to the essays stuck to his/her shoe. It's best not to call the subject's attention to this embarrassing situation. Researchers have found that an English Teacher's discovery of one more ungraded essay can easily lead to hyperventilation and/or hysterics.

-- Subject carries a red grading pen for protection, mistakenly believing "the pen is mightier than the sword."

-- Subject loves grammar jokes. "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "To." "To who?" "No, to WHOM!" This unfortunate humor can most quickly be stopped by an obliging chuckle, followed by a quick change in subject.

-- Subject becomes flushed and passionate when discussing meaningful syntax, and may show disappointment when others do not demonstrate the same heart-pounding fervor.

-- Subject finds symbolism in everything: a can of soup; a garbage can; a rearrangement in the produce aisle. In cases such as these, there is no curbing the rhapsodic ramblings; it's best to just let them play out.

These creatures are unquestionably odd, but can be charming if taken with a grain of salt and a large helping of patience. They will feel great appreciation for their friends, since clearly, they could never make it in this world on their own. An English Teacher acquaintance can come in remarkably handy when seeking an editor for grad school essays, the correct spelling of a word, or a quick grammar check. All things considered, this breed should be considered a "necessary evil," for-- though eccentric and unreasonably incensed by mistaken homonyms, the English Teacher can be helpful in his/her own idiosyncratic way.