Imaginary Conversation Amongst Spiders that were in My Close Proximity

In the imagined conversation, the spiders have walkie-talkies.

Kkkksschhhk. Come in Eight Pretty Eyes, this is Big Boy. Over.

Kkkksschhhk. Eight Pretty Eyes coming in. What's the situation Big Boy? Over.

Kkkksscchhhk. Suspect is still in the shower, but the water has stopped. I expect her to emerge at any moment now. Over.

Kkksschk. What is your position Big Boy?

Kkkksscchk. I am positioned prominently on the white wall, legs spread wide to maximize my breadth.

Kkksschkk. Which is enooormous, Big Boy...

Kkkssschk. Don't talk dirty to me now, Pretty Eyes, I've got a job to do. Over.

Kkssccchk. Sorry babe. Over.

Kkkksscchk. It's okay. I AM enormous.

Kkksscchkk. (murmured giggling.) Over.

Kkkssccckk. Ooohhhh, Eight Pretty Eyes, what I wouldn't give to be over that closet doorjamb with you right now... Over.

Kkkksscchkk. I wish you were here too Big Boy. But Queen Hairy Legs was clear on this one. We have to test the human's tolerance of our kind. And we have to evaluate her level of timidity. Over.

Kkkssscchk. Which is why I so bravely volunteered my massive self for intimidation purposes. Over.

Kkksssscckk. You ARE brave, Big Boy. And sooo massive.... But be careful. Over.

Kkkssccchkk. Please. It's a small white female. I expect her to be clutching at the shower curtain and screaming for the old man to help her within seconds of seeing me. I'll be on the ceiling by then. Over.

Kkkscchhk. All the same. I need you babe, I have egg sacs in mind. Bulging egg sacs with future baby Big Boys that will be MASSIVE, and ENORMOUS, and BRAV--

Kkksccchhkk. ALERT, Suspect has emerged! She's toweling off! She has not yet seen me! Over!

Kkkssckkh. What is your position?! Over!

Kkssccckkh. On the wall, on the white wall. I AM HUGE!! FEEEARRR ME! She's seen me, the human has seen me!

Ksscccskh. Did she scream?? Is she clutching the shower curtain??

Kksccskkh. Um-- no. She said, "AAAaagh, frick," but didn't scream. She's-- what is she doing??

Kkksccssk. What is she doing, Big Boy???

Kkksscchkk. She got the toilet paper-- She's-- she's coming this way with the toilet paper!!

Kssskkcchk. RUN, Big Boy, RUN!

Kkskscchkk. WhatisshewhatisshedoingAAAHHHhhh--???!!!! (crunch.)

Kkskkcchk. Big Boy? BIG BOY, COME IN!! COME IN, BIG BOY!!

(Static)

Kkkscckhhkk. BIG BOY??! BIG BOY!!! COME IN BIG BOY!

(Sound of flushing)

Kkkssccchkk. NOOOOOOOOOOO! Eight Pretty Eyes to Big Boy, DO YOU COPY??? (sobs.)


.........



Kkksscchhk. (sniffs.) Queen... Queen Hairy Legs. This is Eight Pretty Eyes. Over.

Kkskscckhk. This is the Queen, what is the status of the mission? Over.

Kkksscchkk. I think... I think Big Boy has been killed by the Suspect. (sobs.) Over.

Kkkssccchk. So the Suspect has a higher intimidation level than we thought she did. Damn. Well, RIP Big Boy, he was a good solider. Are you prepared for your part of the mission?

Kksksccchk. (sobs.)

Kkkscchkk. Eight Pretty Eyes, do you copy?? Over.

Kksccshhk. Yes Queen, I copy. I just...

Kkkscchk. Keep it together Eight. The Suspect is more dangerous than anticipated, and you're needed for your part of the mission. Are you capable of evaluating her killing-effort level? Over.

Kkskcchkk. Yes... yes I think so. I just... hover out of her reach, and see if she gets a chair to close the gap to... To... Kill me! (sobs.)

Kkssccchkk. Excellent. And if she comes close, you have clearance to run, do you copy?

Kkscccshkk. (sobs.)

Kssccscshkk. EIGHT EYES, do you copy?

Ksccshkk. Yes. I copy. But I don't know if I even want to run... I just... Want to be with Big Boy...

Kksccshkk. Keep it together solider. You can't die until you've laid your eggs. Procreation is our first objective. Remember that. Over.

Kksccshkk. Yes your highness... HERE SHE COMES! THE KILLER!

Kkscccshk. What is your position? Over.

Kkksccshkk. High over the door jamb. She's seen me!!! She's not going for the chair though... She's just looking at me with a disgusted expression...



AAgggh, frick. Gramps! There's ANOTHER one...!


That is the end of the Imaginary Walkie-Talkie'd Conversation Between Spiders. I didn't kill Eight Eyes. But I think she must be grief stricken indeed because she is still above the door jamb, after eight or more hours post flushing. Poor Big Boy.

But that's what you get for being an over-cocky sunuva...spider.